2009-05-08

Strings Attached

My life is full of ultimatums. I've got ultimatums coming from all sides, all of them ending with, "...or you can't be around us anymore." What do the ultimatum-givers want me to do? Depends on the time, the day, the mood of the people. I wonder what would happen if I started giving ultimatums? If I started saying to people, "If you don't....... then I won't be in your life anymore." What would people do? I have a feeling they would be fine with it. In my life, I'm always the one begging forgiveness, begging for a second chance, apologizing for things I'm not sure I even did... because to other people, I'm not worth keeping around.
It seems like my parents, first and foremost, have only given me two choices throughout my life. I can handle everything in my life perfectly, or I can give up all control of my life over to them. In their eyes, to need help is to be a loser, someone they need to take control of in order to keep society from having to be burdened by me! This is part of the reason why I left home so early when I was a kid. I wanted, desperately, to be free. I knew I couldn't be a fine, upstanding, typical adult... but I didn't want to be a child forever. If I couldn't take care of myself one hundred percent perfectly, it was better to get help from the shelters and social services... who had goals of making people as independent as possible and letting people handle their own lives except for the things they needed help with... than to get help from my parents, who would want me to follow their own script for my life.
The bright spots in my life are the kids, and my pets... but even they are just more things that can be used against me, more things that others can take away from me.
Sometimes I just want to be dead.

2 comments:

kristi said...

I am sorry you feel this way. I wrote about my Mom today, and how she makes me feel. It is tiring.

Anonymous said...

We are certainly not trying to use anything against you! We love you and the kids love you and you are our family no matter what.

Things are just tough right now and I'm on shut-down. Doesn't have anything to do with you personally. I hope you understand that.

Diana

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