2009-05-13

Little Better But...

Still having a hard time. I know this is probably a bad time to be writing about my issues, since I've been working hard at making this a blog about ADHD, but I really think depression is part of ADHD, and a lot of the ADHD blogs I've been reading have had recent entries about depression. And I am definitely going through a hard time right now. Had to dig in my drawers to find a Klonopin to make me fall asleep last night because really bad thoughts were going through my head, imagining killing myself. It wasn't like I was planning to do it or anything, it was like thoughts were just entering my mind on their own. I could be just laying there and suddenly realize I'm imagining walking into the kitchen and swallowing a bunch of pills or something. WTF? So I kept on trying to counteract my bad thoughts by thinking of all of the people who would be sad if I died... my cousins, and Abby and Hayden and Brandon, and Sarah, especially, because they are kids and I wouldn't want to put a trauma in their life like that. And my pets, Sammy-Joe and Trixie and Clover and Mijo. And my parents... The stupid thing is that although my mom acts like she hates me when I'm alive, I know she would be heartbroken if I was dead.
So I just kept reminding myself of all those people and animals... and then I took some Klonopins, and slept all night with really weird dreams.
I guess I'm just lonely. Haven't seen my mom since Saturday, since on the days that I do stay here she's usually not home until I am asleep... and my dad is usually just watching baseball or something... and I'm not supposed to go to Diana's... I could probably go to my aunt's, but I just felt so low in energy... The good thing is my crazy people drop-in group is tonight. And I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my Dad tomorrow night for my birthday. And Facebook distracts me in twenty minute increments. But I am just feeling so bad. Thats the only way to describe it. Bad. I am feeling lousy. Its physically painful.
(Where does depression hurt? Everywhere!)

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