2009-05-14

Lets Just Call It Thursday Cause I Don't Have A Better Title

I had a brief intermission from life's recent crappiness because I went back to Diana's house for a while today. I mostly played in the backyard with Hayden the whole time. Abby and Brandon came home but wouldn't even look at me, so that was kinda strange... but it was nice to play with Hayden. She was happy just to sit on the swing in the yard and "talk" and sing songs in her little baby way. We discussed why you should not eat rocks or paper, why you should not put an open can of pop in the kangaroo pocket of someone's sweatshirt while they're not looking, and whether it was Gimme or Jimmy who got shot. We also discussed big trucks that go Beep Beep Vroom Vroom, Abby busses, choo choo trains, birds, butterflies, the fact that Abby was playing at Jenna's house, and why you shouldn't drink juice boxes that you find in the grass and that are probably a week old. We found an empty soda can in the grass, and I taught her how to smash it with the heel of her shoe so it would stick to the shoe, so she could stomp around making loud crunchy metal sounds! I held Mijo and gave him lots of cuddles... I've missed that little rat dog! A good time was had by all.
The good feeling lasted until I got in the car to go home, and then I right away felt like dying again. Last night when I was falling asleep I was feeling so lousy, and thoughts of dying kept creeping into my mind... it really is like a fight, where I say to myself, "I just want to be dead. No, no, you don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm just gonna kill myself. No, no, don't do that, everything is gonna be fine. I just wanna die. No, no, you don't." So that was going through my mind all night, until Sammy-Joe came and laid with me and I cuddled him and thought, "Well I can't give this up."
The bottom line is, I know I don't really want to be dead for all of eternity, just yet, but I am hurting! I feel like I am broken. The only thing I can compare it to is the time when I tried to go to school at Southern Illinois and ended up having a breakdown. Its just everything. Its the fact that I'm realizing I'm gonna be 30 years old and have nothing. No home to go to... only a series of places where I'm an expert at wearing out my welcome. No way to finish school. No way to become a foster parent the way I've been planning to my whole life. No insurance to even go to the hospital if I am feeling bad. I'm a free-floater with nothing. And now I've lost my best friend, I can't be in the place I considered my home, my mom is always mad at me when I'm here, and I'm just chemically depressed anyways, can't even focus on trying to cheer myself up. There seems to be no end in sight. So I do, at the moment, I do want to be dead.
My compromise plan is, I've got a bottle of Tylenol PM. I'm just going to sleep through the weekend. I'm going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my birthday tonight (because tomorrow, on my actual birthday, my mom is leaving for England) and then I'm just going to keep myself in a vegetative state for the weekend. On Monday, I will either hopefully be able to watch the kids, or I'll at least go visit them again, or I'll figure out something else I can do to stay busy. But for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'll just have to push my "off" button. I slept through the Y2K night on New Year's Eve of 2000, so why not sleep through my birthday weekend? Works for me!

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