Alive and Kickin'!

The title of this entry reminds me that today I was playing with Hayden, when she asked me where Abby was. She has a habit of constantly asking where everyone is, like she's taking attendance! I told her I didn't know. Hayden said, "Abby dead!" (She's not some sort of really morbid baby... she just thinks saying "dead" is funny, lately, for some reason.
I told her, "Nope, Abby isn't dead, she's still alive and kicking!"
This confused Hayden to no end! She laughed and said, "Kicking? No! Not kicking! Abby not kicking!"
Anyway, so, yeah, here I am... and I actually had a pretty good weekend. On Friday evening I went to Diana's because Jimmy called me up and told me to come there, and Diana had gotten me a cake and some presents, and the kids had made cards! So that cheered me up!
On Saturday, we went to a party at Jimmy's sister and brother-in-law's house, and ended up staying the night there. Parties at their house are always fun. I'm not much of a "partier" in the usual way, but I do just like to be there and enjoy being in the environment and being around everyone!
On Sunday, Sarah wanted to go to the Lilac Parade, so I ended up taking her and her friend there, and then hanging out at Diana's mom's house for a while. Eventually Diana, Jimmy and the kids also came over, for Megan's birthday party. So that was fun! Plus I got to spend extra time with Clover and the puppies!
Then, today, I was planning to go back to my mom's house, because Jimmy didn't need me to babysit. but I ended up staying and watching them for a little while so Jimmy could go to the store and the laundromat and stuff, and then Sue came over and invited me and the little kids over to her house. So we went there for a while and hung out and had dinner there and everything. Then we came back, and Jimmy and Diana and Sue and Mike went to the gym, and took all of the little kids with them! So me and Brandon are home alone and enjoying the peace and quiet.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and forage my way back to my mom's so I can do my laundry and clean up and stuff before my mom gets back from England! Plus I miss Trixie and Sammy-Joe so much! On Friday I only thought I was coming back here for a few hours, but it ended up being four days! I was actually in the middle of cuddling with Sammy-Joe when Jimmy called me on Friday. He (Sammy) probably thinks I totally ditched him for something better!
As for my depression, being constantly busy and distracted has definitely helped. But its still there, lurking underneath... like, even when I'm happy, anything can just turn me sad with no warning! I've just been being really careful to keep taking my medication every day and stuff.
Well, Diana and Jimmy and the little kids are home, so I'll close out for now!


Five Seconds LAter...

Still going back and forth, back and forth. One minute I am feeling fine, the next minute I feel like dying. When is this gonna end? I'm losing my fucking mind. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? Is anyone reading this even??????

Happy Birthday To Me!

Todays my birthday, and I'm actually feeling a little better, at least for now! Last night I went out for dinner with my parents. We went to Pepe's, which is pretty much where we go every year on my birthday because I am crazy about their flan! They have the best flan ever, its SO CREAMY! I could take or leave the food, but the flan makes it all worth while!
Also I opened my presents from my parents last night, which were two pairs of shorts, two shirts, a penguin watch, and a pair of tie dye flip flops. I like the flip flops best because they are tie dyed!
I took 3 Tylenol PMs last night before bed because I wanted to fall asleep fast. It didn't work though... the timing was all off! It took me forever to fall asleep, but now it is morning and I am still dead tired and drowsy and dizzy and everything! SO as soon as I finish writing this I am probably going back to sleep. I also have to somehow go to the bank and deposit some money so my phone doesn't get shut off!
I am so tired... I wanted to sleep through this day, but I actually have things I could be doing today, and now I am too tired cause of the stupid pills! Next time I have to take them way earlier so they will make me fall asleep when I'm ready to go to bed and let me wake up in the morning!
OK, thats all for now!


Lets Just Call It Thursday Cause I Don't Have A Better Title

I had a brief intermission from life's recent crappiness because I went back to Diana's house for a while today. I mostly played in the backyard with Hayden the whole time. Abby and Brandon came home but wouldn't even look at me, so that was kinda strange... but it was nice to play with Hayden. She was happy just to sit on the swing in the yard and "talk" and sing songs in her little baby way. We discussed why you should not eat rocks or paper, why you should not put an open can of pop in the kangaroo pocket of someone's sweatshirt while they're not looking, and whether it was Gimme or Jimmy who got shot. We also discussed big trucks that go Beep Beep Vroom Vroom, Abby busses, choo choo trains, birds, butterflies, the fact that Abby was playing at Jenna's house, and why you shouldn't drink juice boxes that you find in the grass and that are probably a week old. We found an empty soda can in the grass, and I taught her how to smash it with the heel of her shoe so it would stick to the shoe, so she could stomp around making loud crunchy metal sounds! I held Mijo and gave him lots of cuddles... I've missed that little rat dog! A good time was had by all.
The good feeling lasted until I got in the car to go home, and then I right away felt like dying again. Last night when I was falling asleep I was feeling so lousy, and thoughts of dying kept creeping into my mind... it really is like a fight, where I say to myself, "I just want to be dead. No, no, you don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm just gonna kill myself. No, no, don't do that, everything is gonna be fine. I just wanna die. No, no, you don't." So that was going through my mind all night, until Sammy-Joe came and laid with me and I cuddled him and thought, "Well I can't give this up."
The bottom line is, I know I don't really want to be dead for all of eternity, just yet, but I am hurting! I feel like I am broken. The only thing I can compare it to is the time when I tried to go to school at Southern Illinois and ended up having a breakdown. Its just everything. Its the fact that I'm realizing I'm gonna be 30 years old and have nothing. No home to go to... only a series of places where I'm an expert at wearing out my welcome. No way to finish school. No way to become a foster parent the way I've been planning to my whole life. No insurance to even go to the hospital if I am feeling bad. I'm a free-floater with nothing. And now I've lost my best friend, I can't be in the place I considered my home, my mom is always mad at me when I'm here, and I'm just chemically depressed anyways, can't even focus on trying to cheer myself up. There seems to be no end in sight. So I do, at the moment, I do want to be dead.
My compromise plan is, I've got a bottle of Tylenol PM. I'm just going to sleep through the weekend. I'm going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my birthday tonight (because tomorrow, on my actual birthday, my mom is leaving for England) and then I'm just going to keep myself in a vegetative state for the weekend. On Monday, I will either hopefully be able to watch the kids, or I'll at least go visit them again, or I'll figure out something else I can do to stay busy. But for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'll just have to push my "off" button. I slept through the Y2K night on New Year's Eve of 2000, so why not sleep through my birthday weekend? Works for me!



I went to my crazy people drop-in and it helped a lot. I felt a lot better while I was there. We played BINGO and I won twice! There were prizes on a table and you got to pick something when you win. I picked an oil painting by number set the first time. The second time, the pickings were much slimmer. I picked a DVD of this movie called The Wilderness Family, which used to be one of my favorites when I was a kid. I wish they had drop-in every day of the week!
Other than that, things are not going well. Diana is very, very mad at me, first of all. Its my own stupid fault because when I am upset I get insecure and tell people too many things. I am not good at keeping things to myself. Also I found out that one of the puppies... the runt of the litter that was never supposed to live in the first place but that we tried so hard to revive... ended up dying. She was my favorite, just because she was so little and because she would cry but she would stop crying when you picked her up. She had these little tiny tan spots on her head that you could barely see. She never wanted to drink much but she loved to cuddle with Clover's paws. When you are already going through depression, the death of a puppy is not helpful.
I am hurting so bad. I just want it to stop.
But I am trying to hatch a plan.

Little Better But...

Still having a hard time. I know this is probably a bad time to be writing about my issues, since I've been working hard at making this a blog about ADHD, but I really think depression is part of ADHD, and a lot of the ADHD blogs I've been reading have had recent entries about depression. And I am definitely going through a hard time right now. Had to dig in my drawers to find a Klonopin to make me fall asleep last night because really bad thoughts were going through my head, imagining killing myself. It wasn't like I was planning to do it or anything, it was like thoughts were just entering my mind on their own. I could be just laying there and suddenly realize I'm imagining walking into the kitchen and swallowing a bunch of pills or something. WTF? So I kept on trying to counteract my bad thoughts by thinking of all of the people who would be sad if I died... my cousins, and Abby and Hayden and Brandon, and Sarah, especially, because they are kids and I wouldn't want to put a trauma in their life like that. And my pets, Sammy-Joe and Trixie and Clover and Mijo. And my parents... The stupid thing is that although my mom acts like she hates me when I'm alive, I know she would be heartbroken if I was dead.
So I just kept reminding myself of all those people and animals... and then I took some Klonopins, and slept all night with really weird dreams.
I guess I'm just lonely. Haven't seen my mom since Saturday, since on the days that I do stay here she's usually not home until I am asleep... and my dad is usually just watching baseball or something... and I'm not supposed to go to Diana's... I could probably go to my aunt's, but I just felt so low in energy... The good thing is my crazy people drop-in group is tonight. And I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my Dad tomorrow night for my birthday. And Facebook distracts me in twenty minute increments. But I am just feeling so bad. Thats the only way to describe it. Bad. I am feeling lousy. Its physically painful.
(Where does depression hurt? Everywhere!)


Having A Rough Time Today

I am having a miserable day today! I can't really explain it, but basically I found out something that made the ground drop out from under me. Its like, you live in one version of reality, where people tell you that one thing is true, and then you suddenly find out, its not true at all, and hasn't been true for a long time... but then other people tell you, no, it really is true, everything is fine... and now you are left with no reality that you can, but only an impending feeling of doom. Will this, like other past "crisis", turn out to be okay, and everything will feel normal again, tomorrow? Or is everything seriously different now? It is hard for me to wait and find out. I feel sick.


Strings Attached

My life is full of ultimatums. I've got ultimatums coming from all sides, all of them ending with, "...or you can't be around us anymore." What do the ultimatum-givers want me to do? Depends on the time, the day, the mood of the people. I wonder what would happen if I started giving ultimatums? If I started saying to people, "If you don't....... then I won't be in your life anymore." What would people do? I have a feeling they would be fine with it. In my life, I'm always the one begging forgiveness, begging for a second chance, apologizing for things I'm not sure I even did... because to other people, I'm not worth keeping around.
It seems like my parents, first and foremost, have only given me two choices throughout my life. I can handle everything in my life perfectly, or I can give up all control of my life over to them. In their eyes, to need help is to be a loser, someone they need to take control of in order to keep society from having to be burdened by me! This is part of the reason why I left home so early when I was a kid. I wanted, desperately, to be free. I knew I couldn't be a fine, upstanding, typical adult... but I didn't want to be a child forever. If I couldn't take care of myself one hundred percent perfectly, it was better to get help from the shelters and social services... who had goals of making people as independent as possible and letting people handle their own lives except for the things they needed help with... than to get help from my parents, who would want me to follow their own script for my life.
The bright spots in my life are the kids, and my pets... but even they are just more things that can be used against me, more things that others can take away from me.
Sometimes I just want to be dead.


My Sensory Bag

In one of my last posts, I mentioned that I had thought about creating a sensory bag. I thought I'd explain exactly what it is, and what's in it!
Some people with ADHD like to fidget. Other people with ADHD have a lot of anxiety, and still others have different sensory needs. I have all of these! I am a very sensory person. When I was a little kid, I had to touch everything that had any type of texture. At the store I had to feel all of the different fabrics on clothes, especially if they looked soft! At dinner, I was always touching my dad's frosty water glass, driving him crazy! Guess what... I'm still like that!
My sensory bag has lots of different little things in it that I can feel, touch, and fiddle with, and also things that I can smell, taste, and listen to. I don't bring the bag with me everywhere I go. I keep it in my backpack most of the time, and when I am going somewhere such as a class, a movie, or whatever, I choose one or two items to bring with me.
I'll give you some ideas of what is in my sensory bag... and if you want to assemble your own, maybe you can fill it with even more things!
Here's what I have.

Different types of putty and dough that I can mush around in my hands. They have different texture. I have silly putty, glitter putty, play foam (which is like a dough made out of little foam beads, and has a texture sort of like rice krispie treats), and a small container of playdough. Today I just bought some Ice Cream Putty, which is hard to describe. Its a little like silly putty, but dryer.
A small container of lotion... because it feels good on my hands when I'm nervous or itchy, and it has a good smell that cheers me up!
A small slinky... fun to feel, hear and look at!
A kazoo. Although I don't really bring it with me places, because I'd feel a little odd playing a kazoo in public for no apparent reason!
A little ball made out of suction cups.
A small Happy Meal toy that is like a window with some oozy gel in it... fun to look at!
Allergy eye drops... they help when my eyes are itchy (which seems to happen especially when I get nervous) and I also just like the feeling of eye drops. I have no idea why. It started when I was younger and got pink eye and had to get drops every few hours. I just like the cold feeling on my eyeballs! I'm so weird.
A beany bunny... for comfort, and for squeezing.
Chapstick... for my frequently chapped lips, and also because the feeling of putting on chapstick helps me with my anxiety.
Lifesavers and lollipops to suck and crunch on.
A dropper of essential oil. Essential oils are great for aromatherapy on the go. If you bring one of these along, choose a scent that is mild. A lot of essential oils have very strong scents that smell like Vicks Vapor Rub to people who aren't used to the smell. I keep vanilla with me, because it is mild and its one of my favorite scents. Tangerine is also a nice, mild scent. You can take a whiff out of the dropper, or put a few drops on your sleeve or collar to smell.
What else can you think of for your sensory needs?
Here are some links to some of the putties I mentioned... because I was lucky to stumble upon these, but they can be hard to find.

My Glitter Putty came in an egg at Easter, so its hard to find now... but I think this is the same stuff...


A Virtual Piggy Bank!

I think I've mentioned before that of the hugest problems I have with my ADHD is saving up money. It is really hard for me to manage my money, because I often forget to write things down, I forget to pay bills, and I just suck at math in general. It has been extremely hard for me to save up any amount of money! If I have a hundred dollars, I feel like I have a million dollars, and I tend to spend it all!
The other night I went to church with my aunt, and they were talking about money management. I never knew that the Bible actually offers advice on money management, but apparently, it does! The Bible's take on it is that everyone should have a 10-10-80 plan. It goes like this. Every time you get paid, you take ten percent of your paycheck and put it in a savings account, and you take another ten percent and tithe it to your church. Then you have to figure out how to live off of the other eighty percent.
The point of the pastor talking about this was to encourage people to live below their means, instead of trying to live the best possible lifestyle they can afford. A lot of it as meant for richer people... aka, maybe you should think about owning a $25,000 car instead of a $55,000 car, and things like that. But I figured it could help me a lot as well!
I don't really go to church. I can't sit still for it! But I figured that, when I have a place to live, I'm going to become a foster parent, and caring for children will be kind of like tithing. SO I decided to start saving twenty percent of my income in a non-touchable savings account.
I had heard of this site called Smarty Pig, and I set up an account with them. Basically, you save up a savings goal, and you set up an amount of money you want withdrawn into your Smarty Pig account on a monthly basis. Then, Smarty Pig just does automatic withdrawals from your bank account each month, and saves it up for you! You also get to accumulate interest.
And, here is something else very cool. You can post a link on your website or blog, and other people can donate money to your savings account!
You can get your money out of the account at any time, by closing down your goal and having the money put back in your regular bank account. SO, if you have an emergency, the money will be there!
I think this is a really great way for me to save up money! What do you think?


Taking A Breather From Life...

I'm posting this from my aunt's house! I came over here earlier today to help out at my cousin's birthday party. Ten preschoolers + lots of cake = chaos! But it was a lot of fun and it was definitely cool to get to meet my cousins' friends!
I ended up staying the night and I'm just hanging out now. It feels good to be taking a break from my regular life! The kids were happy that I was here, they've been so crazy hyper and didn't go to bed until just a few minutes ago!
Tomorrow we're having donuts for breakfast... and then I have a two hour drive ahead of me!
I'll post pictures when I get to a computer where I can upload them!
I hope everyone is having a great weekend!


Can't sleep...

My anxiety has turned to insomnia. I know its weird to say that I have insomnia when its only 11:23 pm... but when you consider that all day long I've been totally exhausted, feeling like I could fall down and go to sleep in a second, and the fact that I went to bed at nine o'clock, not even having the energy to take a shower first... then its weird that I'm now wide awake at eleven twenty-three pm. I'm at my mom's house and had been trying to sleep up in my old bedroom, but it was impossible. So I've come down to the basement to try and sleep with the TV on, which I know is going to get me shouted at. They hate when I sleep down here. They like me up in my little compartment when I'm here. But I'm supposed to go help out at my little cousin's birthday party tomorrow, and its going to be no good if I'm a zombie from lack of sleep! Usually if I can listen to the TV it at least calms me down enough to sleep.
All the anxiety of the past 28 hours must have pooled up in my system and turned into adrenaline!
I'm going to lay down on the couch now and turn on a Lifetime movie.


My anxiety today is literally turning my insides into spaghetti! Too tired to go into details but basically the past 24 hours have been very, very, very, very, very crappy. I just want to sleep, but it doesn't look like that will be happening any time soon!