2009-03-12

The worst words

To me the worst words in the world are "go home..." because I don't have a home.
This occured to me the other day when I went to my mom's house and couldn't get my key to work in the door. In the few minutes before I realized the problem... someone had simply locked the bottom lock, instead of locking the top lock like usual... it all came back to me... that the locks can be changed at any minute. That I always have to be on my best behavior wherever I go, because all I really have is a series of places to hang out in, where if I piss them off they can say "go home" or just change the locks. My whole world can so easily be yanked out from under me. Sometimes it is hard because I want to be sad sometimes, I want to be upset sometimes, but I have to try to be good because my worst nightmare is hearing "get out of here". And even if I did have a house of my own, it wouldn't be much different... because I hate being alone. It is love and friendship I am afraid of losing... and it always seems ao fragile to me.

1 comments:

brandonsmom_02 said...

All I can tell you is that EVERYONE goes through that. Clearly when I have a bad day or want to shut down, etc., it affects my relationships with people and especially the people that I live with - and I have the choice of still doing what I need to do and accepting the consequences and hoping that those that love me will still love me, or I can try to get through by not showing how I really feel so that I don't affect the people I love.

Whatever, if that even makes sense. Things are not the same as they were 10 years ago. You have to know you are loved, even with faults and bad days and bad attitude, by your parents and your family and us.

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