Alive and Kickin'!

The title of this entry reminds me that today I was playing with Hayden, when she asked me where Abby was. She has a habit of constantly asking where everyone is, like she's taking attendance! I told her I didn't know. Hayden said, "Abby dead!" (She's not some sort of really morbid baby... she just thinks saying "dead" is funny, lately, for some reason.
I told her, "Nope, Abby isn't dead, she's still alive and kicking!"
This confused Hayden to no end! She laughed and said, "Kicking? No! Not kicking! Abby not kicking!"
Anyway, so, yeah, here I am... and I actually had a pretty good weekend. On Friday evening I went to Diana's because Jimmy called me up and told me to come there, and Diana had gotten me a cake and some presents, and the kids had made cards! So that cheered me up!
On Saturday, we went to a party at Jimmy's sister and brother-in-law's house, and ended up staying the night there. Parties at their house are always fun. I'm not much of a "partier" in the usual way, but I do just like to be there and enjoy being in the environment and being around everyone!
On Sunday, Sarah wanted to go to the Lilac Parade, so I ended up taking her and her friend there, and then hanging out at Diana's mom's house for a while. Eventually Diana, Jimmy and the kids also came over, for Megan's birthday party. So that was fun! Plus I got to spend extra time with Clover and the puppies!
Then, today, I was planning to go back to my mom's house, because Jimmy didn't need me to babysit. but I ended up staying and watching them for a little while so Jimmy could go to the store and the laundromat and stuff, and then Sue came over and invited me and the little kids over to her house. So we went there for a while and hung out and had dinner there and everything. Then we came back, and Jimmy and Diana and Sue and Mike went to the gym, and took all of the little kids with them! So me and Brandon are home alone and enjoying the peace and quiet.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and forage my way back to my mom's so I can do my laundry and clean up and stuff before my mom gets back from England! Plus I miss Trixie and Sammy-Joe so much! On Friday I only thought I was coming back here for a few hours, but it ended up being four days! I was actually in the middle of cuddling with Sammy-Joe when Jimmy called me on Friday. He (Sammy) probably thinks I totally ditched him for something better!
As for my depression, being constantly busy and distracted has definitely helped. But its still there, lurking underneath... like, even when I'm happy, anything can just turn me sad with no warning! I've just been being really careful to keep taking my medication every day and stuff.
Well, Diana and Jimmy and the little kids are home, so I'll close out for now!


Five Seconds LAter...

Still going back and forth, back and forth. One minute I am feeling fine, the next minute I feel like dying. When is this gonna end? I'm losing my fucking mind. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? Is anyone reading this even??????

Happy Birthday To Me!

Todays my birthday, and I'm actually feeling a little better, at least for now! Last night I went out for dinner with my parents. We went to Pepe's, which is pretty much where we go every year on my birthday because I am crazy about their flan! They have the best flan ever, its SO CREAMY! I could take or leave the food, but the flan makes it all worth while!
Also I opened my presents from my parents last night, which were two pairs of shorts, two shirts, a penguin watch, and a pair of tie dye flip flops. I like the flip flops best because they are tie dyed!
I took 3 Tylenol PMs last night before bed because I wanted to fall asleep fast. It didn't work though... the timing was all off! It took me forever to fall asleep, but now it is morning and I am still dead tired and drowsy and dizzy and everything! SO as soon as I finish writing this I am probably going back to sleep. I also have to somehow go to the bank and deposit some money so my phone doesn't get shut off!
I am so tired... I wanted to sleep through this day, but I actually have things I could be doing today, and now I am too tired cause of the stupid pills! Next time I have to take them way earlier so they will make me fall asleep when I'm ready to go to bed and let me wake up in the morning!
OK, thats all for now!


Lets Just Call It Thursday Cause I Don't Have A Better Title

I had a brief intermission from life's recent crappiness because I went back to Diana's house for a while today. I mostly played in the backyard with Hayden the whole time. Abby and Brandon came home but wouldn't even look at me, so that was kinda strange... but it was nice to play with Hayden. She was happy just to sit on the swing in the yard and "talk" and sing songs in her little baby way. We discussed why you should not eat rocks or paper, why you should not put an open can of pop in the kangaroo pocket of someone's sweatshirt while they're not looking, and whether it was Gimme or Jimmy who got shot. We also discussed big trucks that go Beep Beep Vroom Vroom, Abby busses, choo choo trains, birds, butterflies, the fact that Abby was playing at Jenna's house, and why you shouldn't drink juice boxes that you find in the grass and that are probably a week old. We found an empty soda can in the grass, and I taught her how to smash it with the heel of her shoe so it would stick to the shoe, so she could stomp around making loud crunchy metal sounds! I held Mijo and gave him lots of cuddles... I've missed that little rat dog! A good time was had by all.
The good feeling lasted until I got in the car to go home, and then I right away felt like dying again. Last night when I was falling asleep I was feeling so lousy, and thoughts of dying kept creeping into my mind... it really is like a fight, where I say to myself, "I just want to be dead. No, no, you don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm just gonna kill myself. No, no, don't do that, everything is gonna be fine. I just wanna die. No, no, you don't." So that was going through my mind all night, until Sammy-Joe came and laid with me and I cuddled him and thought, "Well I can't give this up."
The bottom line is, I know I don't really want to be dead for all of eternity, just yet, but I am hurting! I feel like I am broken. The only thing I can compare it to is the time when I tried to go to school at Southern Illinois and ended up having a breakdown. Its just everything. Its the fact that I'm realizing I'm gonna be 30 years old and have nothing. No home to go to... only a series of places where I'm an expert at wearing out my welcome. No way to finish school. No way to become a foster parent the way I've been planning to my whole life. No insurance to even go to the hospital if I am feeling bad. I'm a free-floater with nothing. And now I've lost my best friend, I can't be in the place I considered my home, my mom is always mad at me when I'm here, and I'm just chemically depressed anyways, can't even focus on trying to cheer myself up. There seems to be no end in sight. So I do, at the moment, I do want to be dead.
My compromise plan is, I've got a bottle of Tylenol PM. I'm just going to sleep through the weekend. I'm going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my birthday tonight (because tomorrow, on my actual birthday, my mom is leaving for England) and then I'm just going to keep myself in a vegetative state for the weekend. On Monday, I will either hopefully be able to watch the kids, or I'll at least go visit them again, or I'll figure out something else I can do to stay busy. But for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'll just have to push my "off" button. I slept through the Y2K night on New Year's Eve of 2000, so why not sleep through my birthday weekend? Works for me!



I went to my crazy people drop-in and it helped a lot. I felt a lot better while I was there. We played BINGO and I won twice! There were prizes on a table and you got to pick something when you win. I picked an oil painting by number set the first time. The second time, the pickings were much slimmer. I picked a DVD of this movie called The Wilderness Family, which used to be one of my favorites when I was a kid. I wish they had drop-in every day of the week!
Other than that, things are not going well. Diana is very, very mad at me, first of all. Its my own stupid fault because when I am upset I get insecure and tell people too many things. I am not good at keeping things to myself. Also I found out that one of the puppies... the runt of the litter that was never supposed to live in the first place but that we tried so hard to revive... ended up dying. She was my favorite, just because she was so little and because she would cry but she would stop crying when you picked her up. She had these little tiny tan spots on her head that you could barely see. She never wanted to drink much but she loved to cuddle with Clover's paws. When you are already going through depression, the death of a puppy is not helpful.
I am hurting so bad. I just want it to stop.
But I am trying to hatch a plan.

Little Better But...

Still having a hard time. I know this is probably a bad time to be writing about my issues, since I've been working hard at making this a blog about ADHD, but I really think depression is part of ADHD, and a lot of the ADHD blogs I've been reading have had recent entries about depression. And I am definitely going through a hard time right now. Had to dig in my drawers to find a Klonopin to make me fall asleep last night because really bad thoughts were going through my head, imagining killing myself. It wasn't like I was planning to do it or anything, it was like thoughts were just entering my mind on their own. I could be just laying there and suddenly realize I'm imagining walking into the kitchen and swallowing a bunch of pills or something. WTF? So I kept on trying to counteract my bad thoughts by thinking of all of the people who would be sad if I died... my cousins, and Abby and Hayden and Brandon, and Sarah, especially, because they are kids and I wouldn't want to put a trauma in their life like that. And my pets, Sammy-Joe and Trixie and Clover and Mijo. And my parents... The stupid thing is that although my mom acts like she hates me when I'm alive, I know she would be heartbroken if I was dead.
So I just kept reminding myself of all those people and animals... and then I took some Klonopins, and slept all night with really weird dreams.
I guess I'm just lonely. Haven't seen my mom since Saturday, since on the days that I do stay here she's usually not home until I am asleep... and my dad is usually just watching baseball or something... and I'm not supposed to go to Diana's... I could probably go to my aunt's, but I just felt so low in energy... The good thing is my crazy people drop-in group is tonight. And I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my Dad tomorrow night for my birthday. And Facebook distracts me in twenty minute increments. But I am just feeling so bad. Thats the only way to describe it. Bad. I am feeling lousy. Its physically painful.
(Where does depression hurt? Everywhere!)


Having A Rough Time Today

I am having a miserable day today! I can't really explain it, but basically I found out something that made the ground drop out from under me. Its like, you live in one version of reality, where people tell you that one thing is true, and then you suddenly find out, its not true at all, and hasn't been true for a long time... but then other people tell you, no, it really is true, everything is fine... and now you are left with no reality that you can, but only an impending feeling of doom. Will this, like other past "crisis", turn out to be okay, and everything will feel normal again, tomorrow? Or is everything seriously different now? It is hard for me to wait and find out. I feel sick.


Strings Attached

My life is full of ultimatums. I've got ultimatums coming from all sides, all of them ending with, "...or you can't be around us anymore." What do the ultimatum-givers want me to do? Depends on the time, the day, the mood of the people. I wonder what would happen if I started giving ultimatums? If I started saying to people, "If you don't....... then I won't be in your life anymore." What would people do? I have a feeling they would be fine with it. In my life, I'm always the one begging forgiveness, begging for a second chance, apologizing for things I'm not sure I even did... because to other people, I'm not worth keeping around.
It seems like my parents, first and foremost, have only given me two choices throughout my life. I can handle everything in my life perfectly, or I can give up all control of my life over to them. In their eyes, to need help is to be a loser, someone they need to take control of in order to keep society from having to be burdened by me! This is part of the reason why I left home so early when I was a kid. I wanted, desperately, to be free. I knew I couldn't be a fine, upstanding, typical adult... but I didn't want to be a child forever. If I couldn't take care of myself one hundred percent perfectly, it was better to get help from the shelters and social services... who had goals of making people as independent as possible and letting people handle their own lives except for the things they needed help with... than to get help from my parents, who would want me to follow their own script for my life.
The bright spots in my life are the kids, and my pets... but even they are just more things that can be used against me, more things that others can take away from me.
Sometimes I just want to be dead.


My Sensory Bag

In one of my last posts, I mentioned that I had thought about creating a sensory bag. I thought I'd explain exactly what it is, and what's in it!
Some people with ADHD like to fidget. Other people with ADHD have a lot of anxiety, and still others have different sensory needs. I have all of these! I am a very sensory person. When I was a little kid, I had to touch everything that had any type of texture. At the store I had to feel all of the different fabrics on clothes, especially if they looked soft! At dinner, I was always touching my dad's frosty water glass, driving him crazy! Guess what... I'm still like that!
My sensory bag has lots of different little things in it that I can feel, touch, and fiddle with, and also things that I can smell, taste, and listen to. I don't bring the bag with me everywhere I go. I keep it in my backpack most of the time, and when I am going somewhere such as a class, a movie, or whatever, I choose one or two items to bring with me.
I'll give you some ideas of what is in my sensory bag... and if you want to assemble your own, maybe you can fill it with even more things!
Here's what I have.

Different types of putty and dough that I can mush around in my hands. They have different texture. I have silly putty, glitter putty, play foam (which is like a dough made out of little foam beads, and has a texture sort of like rice krispie treats), and a small container of playdough. Today I just bought some Ice Cream Putty, which is hard to describe. Its a little like silly putty, but dryer.
A small container of lotion... because it feels good on my hands when I'm nervous or itchy, and it has a good smell that cheers me up!
A small slinky... fun to feel, hear and look at!
A kazoo. Although I don't really bring it with me places, because I'd feel a little odd playing a kazoo in public for no apparent reason!
A little ball made out of suction cups.
A small Happy Meal toy that is like a window with some oozy gel in it... fun to look at!
Allergy eye drops... they help when my eyes are itchy (which seems to happen especially when I get nervous) and I also just like the feeling of eye drops. I have no idea why. It started when I was younger and got pink eye and had to get drops every few hours. I just like the cold feeling on my eyeballs! I'm so weird.
A beany bunny... for comfort, and for squeezing.
Chapstick... for my frequently chapped lips, and also because the feeling of putting on chapstick helps me with my anxiety.
Lifesavers and lollipops to suck and crunch on.
A dropper of essential oil. Essential oils are great for aromatherapy on the go. If you bring one of these along, choose a scent that is mild. A lot of essential oils have very strong scents that smell like Vicks Vapor Rub to people who aren't used to the smell. I keep vanilla with me, because it is mild and its one of my favorite scents. Tangerine is also a nice, mild scent. You can take a whiff out of the dropper, or put a few drops on your sleeve or collar to smell.
What else can you think of for your sensory needs?
Here are some links to some of the putties I mentioned... because I was lucky to stumble upon these, but they can be hard to find.

My Glitter Putty came in an egg at Easter, so its hard to find now... but I think this is the same stuff...


A Virtual Piggy Bank!

I think I've mentioned before that of the hugest problems I have with my ADHD is saving up money. It is really hard for me to manage my money, because I often forget to write things down, I forget to pay bills, and I just suck at math in general. It has been extremely hard for me to save up any amount of money! If I have a hundred dollars, I feel like I have a million dollars, and I tend to spend it all!
The other night I went to church with my aunt, and they were talking about money management. I never knew that the Bible actually offers advice on money management, but apparently, it does! The Bible's take on it is that everyone should have a 10-10-80 plan. It goes like this. Every time you get paid, you take ten percent of your paycheck and put it in a savings account, and you take another ten percent and tithe it to your church. Then you have to figure out how to live off of the other eighty percent.
The point of the pastor talking about this was to encourage people to live below their means, instead of trying to live the best possible lifestyle they can afford. A lot of it as meant for richer people... aka, maybe you should think about owning a $25,000 car instead of a $55,000 car, and things like that. But I figured it could help me a lot as well!
I don't really go to church. I can't sit still for it! But I figured that, when I have a place to live, I'm going to become a foster parent, and caring for children will be kind of like tithing. SO I decided to start saving twenty percent of my income in a non-touchable savings account.
I had heard of this site called Smarty Pig, and I set up an account with them. Basically, you save up a savings goal, and you set up an amount of money you want withdrawn into your Smarty Pig account on a monthly basis. Then, Smarty Pig just does automatic withdrawals from your bank account each month, and saves it up for you! You also get to accumulate interest.
And, here is something else very cool. You can post a link on your website or blog, and other people can donate money to your savings account!
You can get your money out of the account at any time, by closing down your goal and having the money put back in your regular bank account. SO, if you have an emergency, the money will be there!
I think this is a really great way for me to save up money! What do you think?


Taking A Breather From Life...

I'm posting this from my aunt's house! I came over here earlier today to help out at my cousin's birthday party. Ten preschoolers + lots of cake = chaos! But it was a lot of fun and it was definitely cool to get to meet my cousins' friends!
I ended up staying the night and I'm just hanging out now. It feels good to be taking a break from my regular life! The kids were happy that I was here, they've been so crazy hyper and didn't go to bed until just a few minutes ago!
Tomorrow we're having donuts for breakfast... and then I have a two hour drive ahead of me!
I'll post pictures when I get to a computer where I can upload them!
I hope everyone is having a great weekend!


Can't sleep...

My anxiety has turned to insomnia. I know its weird to say that I have insomnia when its only 11:23 pm... but when you consider that all day long I've been totally exhausted, feeling like I could fall down and go to sleep in a second, and the fact that I went to bed at nine o'clock, not even having the energy to take a shower first... then its weird that I'm now wide awake at eleven twenty-three pm. I'm at my mom's house and had been trying to sleep up in my old bedroom, but it was impossible. So I've come down to the basement to try and sleep with the TV on, which I know is going to get me shouted at. They hate when I sleep down here. They like me up in my little compartment when I'm here. But I'm supposed to go help out at my little cousin's birthday party tomorrow, and its going to be no good if I'm a zombie from lack of sleep! Usually if I can listen to the TV it at least calms me down enough to sleep.
All the anxiety of the past 28 hours must have pooled up in my system and turned into adrenaline!
I'm going to lay down on the couch now and turn on a Lifetime movie.


My anxiety today is literally turning my insides into spaghetti! Too tired to go into details but basically the past 24 hours have been very, very, very, very, very crappy. I just want to sleep, but it doesn't look like that will be happening any time soon!


How To Straighten A Room... ADHD Style!

One of my most severe ADHD features is my disorganization and my inability to focus on trying to get organized. Even though I mostly live with Diana, I still maintain a bedroom at my mom's house, which gets very disorganized during the two days a week that I spend there! If you want an idea of how to straighten a room ADHD style, here you go.

1. Decide to straighten the room, usually because someone else is nagging you to do it.

2. Start picking things up off the top of your desk and putting them in drawers.

3. Come across the "sensory box" you assembled about a year ago.

4. Start going through the sensory box and playing with everything in it.

5. Decide to create a sensory bag, which will be like a sensory box except mobile, so you can take it everywhere with you for your sensory needs. Begin working on that right away.

6. Imagine yourself explaining to someone about each item in the sensory bag and how it helps you.

7. Remember you're supposed to be straightening your room.

8. Start to make your bed.

9. Stop halfway through, because you're just going to go to sleep in a few hours anyways.

10. Find some extremely overdue library books under the bed.

11. Wonder if you're even allowed in the library anymore.

12. Decide to go downstairs and order a book on Amazon.com so you'll have something to read... since you can't go to the library!

13. Remember you're supposed to be straightening your room.

14. Shove your backpack and some other items in a corner.

15. Become really sick of straightening your room. Feel desperate to get out of there and do something else.

16. Pace around the room for a few minutes.

17. Have an allergy attack and sneeze about forty times.

18. Shove everything else into drawers and the closet as quickly as you can.

19. Decide your room looks good enough for now, and that you'll work on it some more tomorrow. Or next week.

20. Decide this would make a great blog entry. Go downstairs and get started on that right away.

Now do you see why my room (and my car, and any other place I inhabit) is always messy?


Dropping Into The Drop-In Center

I found out about this weekly drop-in center through NAMI DuPage. It said it was a drop-in center for people with mental illnesses (including depression and anxiety, bipolar, things like that...) and when I called to ask about it, they described it as a social group where you could do different activities, arts and crafts, go on outings, etc.
Well, I've tried joining several social groups geared towards the general population an they've always been a bust for me. I just really don't fit in anywhere. There are groups for yuppies my age, groups for hippies my age, groups for this and that. But even in groups geared towards my own interests, like volunteering or writing, I've felt like a social mess. So I figured... "I'll give this one a chance."
So, basically, there's a few things of importance.
1. It seems like most of the people there have intellectual disabilities. Later, I found out that many of the people who go there live at a near by group home, and are diagnosed with mental illnesses like depression but also have intellectual disabilities, but the group is specifically for people who have mental illnesses, no matter what else they have. It seemed like most people were people with things like, for example, Down Syndrome.
2. I liked it! Yesterday they had speakers come in who did pet therapy, and brought the pets in. We got to hear about pet therapy and what it does, and we got to play with the dogs. One lady's dog was trained specifically to help people with autism. He's a sensory dog! I need one of those! People were really nice, too.
3. So I totally want to keep going back.
What do you think of that?


I Refuse To Turn 30!!!

This morning when I was at my mom's, she asked me, "What do you want for your thirtieth birthday?"
My answer?
"I want to not turn thirty!"
I know that a lot of people don't want to turn thirty. Diana, who is six months younger than me, complains about it all the time. Thirty just sounds scary, for some reason, when you've always been in your twenties or younger!
But for me, its different.
See, my friends who have turned thirty or about to, don't like it because they think it makes them feel old. but they're already living as adults. They have homes, and children, and careers, and regular lives. They can handle themselves with maturity, confidence and poise.
(Poise, ugh, I hate that word! Luckily, its something I'll never have!)
My friends who are turning thirty don't sit and rock when they are upset or anxious. they don't pace the floors or bounce against the walls to calm themselves.
They don't have trouble finding words when they talk to people. They don't stammer and look away. They don't walk out of a room to avoid talking to a group of friends and family members because the sight of so many people at once overwhelms them. They don't avoid parties because they can't dance and the loud music hurts their ears.
My friends don't still get yelled at by their parents for being messy. Nobody tells them that they musn't sleep on the couch downstairs, where their cat sleeps, because they will wrinkle the blankets. Nobody tells them they musn't sleep with the TV on, or that they must eat something other than cheddar cheese sandwiches, or that they need to get off the computer. Nobody questions them on how much money they're making, tells them to stop hanging out with their friends, or demands to read their mail.
Nobody looks at them with disgust and says. "You're thirty years old! Act it!"
Some of my friends look young for their age, and when they meet new people, they might hear, "You're thirty? I thought you were more like twenty!"
But nobody starts laughing or choking and saying, "I thought you were about twelve! You're thirty? Seriously? Thirty? Whats wrong with you?"
Every year it gets more and more embarassing to tell people my age.
But telling them I'm thirty is going to be the worst!


Wind Sprinter!

Usually I take care of my nieces during the week... but Jimmy hasn't been working a lot lately, so I find myself with a bunch of free days! I'm trying to put my days to good use, though. I've found a work-at-home job rewriting articles, for about three bucks an article. (For me, that translates to about fifteen dollars an hour, but they only send me the articles in bunches of five each day.) Also, I've been trying to get a little bit of exercise in!
I have trouble getting exercise, partly because it is just so boring to me. Before I got my driver's license (at age 21) I was really skinny, because I walked or rode my bike everywhere. It was really inconvenient. For instance, if I needed groceries, I'd have to ride or walk to the grocery store, and buy only whatever groceries I could fit in my backpack or carry on my handlebars! But, it was healthy! Now, though, riding my bike seems pointless. People say "go for a bike ride," but where am I supposed to ride to? Just riding around in circles is pointless and boring! I can walk my dog, but that isn't a lot of exercise, since she likes to stop every few feet to pee in each and every yard!
Anyway, one of the articles I rewrote mentioned wind sprinting, which is basically running as hard and fast as you can for a few yards, and then resting for a few minutes, and then doing it again. It keeps your heart rate up and helps raise your metabolism! It works good for me, because it really only takes about twenty minutes out of my day. For instance, today when I was running errands, I just pulled over at the running track, and did two laps of wind sprints. (I know two laps doesn't sound like much, but because I'm out of shape and I hate running, I felt like it was a great start!) Then I just got in my car, went home, and proceeded with my regularly scheduled day.
I can really feel it, still, even though its been hours! My heart feels like its beating differently, and my muscles are sore. It feels good, though, in a way. I really do need to get more exercise, I guess! I'm also going to try to start drinking water. But I am not giving up my Dr. Pepper!


Social Networking For ADHD!

I'm not quite sure what I would do without the Internet. In a lot of ways, it has opened up the world for me. I have a lot of trouble communicating in "regular" ways, but reading and writing have always been my strong points. The internet has allowed me to explore the world through reading and writing. I've been able to do lots of new things in life... for instance, finding jobs, joining AmeriCorps, taking a bus trip across the country, spending a year in AmeriCorps, finding support groups, joining playgroups with the girls... because I've been able to research it ahead of time without having to speak with anyone right off the bat. It relieves my anxiety when I know what to expect, and it makes me feel like I have choices, and have a little more control over my life.
I really love blogging. I have this blog, and of course I have my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe! Blogging has helped me to look into other people's lives, and to share my own life with other people. It gives me a way to have a social life that I'm comfortable with.
Another thing I love is social networking. I started out with MySpace, and was able to reconnect with a lot of old friends and a lot of my cousins that I had never gotten to meet in real life. More recently, I moved over to Facebook, and thats where I do all my social networking now. For me, social networking means updating everyone I know about things that I am doing and how I am feeling, reading about whats going on in the lives of the people in my life, and playing silly little games with people. It may seem insignificant to many people, but Facebook has helped me to forage connections with a lot of people in my life!
The newest social networking site I've joined is Adder World. Its a lot smaller than Facebook or Myspace. Its part of Ning.com, which is a site that allows anyone to start their own social networking community. It has 866 members already, and includes forums, blogs, discussion groups. etc. Its pretty cool! So if you're looking for a place to discuss ADHD and other topics, and make some new friends across the country, check out the badge below!

Visit ADDer World Anything and Everything ADHD


I'm a Top Health Blogger!

This is a picture of Hayden playing with a bucket this morning as we waited for Abby's bus! It has nothing to do with today's post, but I like it anyway!!!

Hi everyone! I'm excited to announce that I'm now an official Top Health Blogger on Wellsphere. I'm going to be blogging for the ADD And ADHD Community. What that basically means is, while you'll still be able to read every entry I write here, but people will also be able to read the feeds on the Wellsphere site.
On that note, I just wanted to introduce myself to any new readers that may be reading this from Wellsphere. And I'd like to invite anyone who wants to to ask any questions they might have... about me, my profile, my life with ADHD and Aspergers, etc. I'll answer your questions within the next few days!
Right now I'm dead tired... we had a long day today, and everyone in my house is getting sick again. So I think I'm going to shut down the computer and take a short nap!


Happy Easter!

I hope everyone had a great Easter! Mine was awesome! In the morning, I was at Diana's house and helped Brandon, Abby and Hayden with their Easter egg hunt. Then I went to my mom's house, where I stuffed and hid eggs for my little cousins to hunt. My mom had a family Easter party at her house, and I watched my little cousins hunt Easter eggs and played outside with them. After that, I went back to Diana's house for her family Easter party. Basically, I am really full from all of that food!
Sometimes holidays are really hard for me because of a lot of people squashed into small spaces, with everyone talking at once and stuff, and no place to get away for an escape. A lot of people recommend that if you are at someone's house for a holiday you should ask if there is another room you can go to to relax if you need a break from all of the commotion. But in my family, even if a holiday is at my mom's house and I could go up to my room there, my mom would get really pissed if I did that. She would think I was acting like a bratty teenager and should be downstairs socializing at all times. She even gets mad at my dad (who has similar problems like me) if he goes into the basement while people are there!
The good part is it was nice out, so I was able to go outside a lot with two of my cousins, which was better than being outside. They had brought their bikes, scooters, skateboards and other outdoor toys, and they also spent a lot of time running around in the backyard with Trixie! So it was much better than usual for me.
Anyway, I am probably going to sleep soon, cause I gotta watch the girls in the morning! I hope everyone had a great Easter!


Easter Kitty


My Favorite Thing!

Have you noticed I made some changes to my blog? I'm really proud of them! I figured out how to change the "skin," and I really like this one. I also tried to make my blog look less crowded. I've been giving my other blog the majority of my attention lately, but I'm going to start working more on this one.
Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say today (its been kind of a boring day) so I thought I'd share with you my favorite thing in my mom's house. Its my video rocker!
This one isn't one of the fancy ones that can be hooked up to your video game system to make noise and vibrate and stuff. Its just a simple chair, on the ground, and it rocks! But it rocks great... you can rock yourself all the way upside down! My little cousins like to play on it when they come over, and its fine because the chair is sturdy and safe. (It did originally come with a seat belt, for the worry warts among us!)
I have a habit of rocking when I'm sitting down, especially when I'm worried about something. Rocking soothes me. So I really love sitting in my video rocker because I just rock and rock and rock! Today I rocked upside down and just stayed there, upside down, for about half an hour, contemplating life! If I ever get a place to live, I'm going to put it in the living room so I can rock while I watch TV. Right now, its up in my bedroom at my mom's house, so I have to rock with no other activity going on!
You want one? I found a similar one on Amazon. Check it out!


Show Me The Money! Wait, No. You Better Not Show It To Me.

One major problem I have in life is that I seem to be always broke! Every time I think I have a little bit of money in my pocket, something happens to yank the money out from under me and leave me broke again!
According to the website called Attention Deficit Disorder Resources, adults with ADHD often have problems managing money. Here is what they say are the most common problems:
* Bouncing checks, and losing or not paying bills (Yep, this is me!)
* Impulsive spending or buying things on a whim (Sometimes, mostly on things involving the kids... but I also tend to be an especially impulsive buyer in bookstores!!!)
* Being unable to save for big ticket items such as new dishwashers, vacations, children's college, or retirement (Yeah, I can't save up for the life of me!)
* Losing checks or not keeping track of checkbook balances (I have trouble keeping track of balances... I try to do a lot of it online, but when things don't show up right away, that screws me all up!)
* Being disorganized with papers, making it impossible to locate them at tax time (LOL Oh yes!)
* Large credit card balances (Not really, because I've just never had a credit card that allows a large balance! With the problems I have, I know better than to even try to get a credit card with more than $200 credit on it!)
* Procrastinating doing taxes (Actually I've been pretty good at that in recent years... mostly because I want the refund!)
* Forgetting when the car payment or mortgage is due (Doesn't apply to me, because I own my car!)
* Not earning enough money for survival (Well, I technically don't earn enough money for survival, and can't afford my own place to live, so this covers me!)
* Not saving for the future (Wait, didn't they already mention that one?)

Here's a good example. With Easter coming up, I wanted to get Easter gifts for all the kids in my life. I counted out six little kids... my three little cousins, plus Abby, Hayden, and Emily. For Brandon, Sarah and Megan, I figured I'd just give them candy, since they're getting too old for cheap Easter trinkets! Also, I wanted to get Trixie and Sammy-Joe each something.
I was running low on money, but figured this out in my head... I had $49 in cash that I had saved up for the occasion, plus $39 on my Paypal debt card. I wasn't even going to dip into my regular checking account, and was just going to use the money I'd saved up.
At first, I was doing pretty good! I went to the Dollar Store and got plastic buckets and shovels for all of the little kids, which I figured they could use to play in the sand, water, garden, or whatever over the summer. At Target, I spent an additional $8.00 on packages of large animal shaped Easter eggs, figuring I could stuff them with candy and give them to all of the kids, including the big kids! I didn't really find anything else worthwhile at Target.
Then I decided to stop at Walgreens... and thats when things went horribly awry! They had a whole bunch of cool stuff for about $2.00 each, plus a lot of things that were "buy two, get one free." I thought to myself, "I'll just grab a bunch of stuff, and since its cheap, I know I'll have enough money for it." Because I suck at math, anyway. I got them each some cool toys, plus a couple bags of candy to stuff the eggs with. And a two liter of Dr. Pepper, of course!
When I checked out, it turned out to be $40.00!
I was like, "Huh? How can it be $40?" But when I looked at the receipt, it added up right, even with all of the "three for two" deals and stuff.
I mean, I probably only went over my budget about $20... but to me, that could be a tank of gas, or an oil change, or 2/3 of my car insurance for the month. (Weird how most of my money woes involve my car!)
Its all good though, because over the weekend I'll probably get money from Diana and Jimmy for last Monday and yesterday, and that will replenish my supplies. Except then I'll probably feel like, "Dang I'm rich!" and go spend it all on... I dunno... Dr. Pepper or something.
Maybe I'm just destined to be broke!


Apple, Desk, Ball!

Sorry I haven't been writing in this blog very much lately! I've been focusing so much on my kid blog, but I'm gonna try to write in this one more regularly... not just when I'm having a horrid day!
Anyway, things are going OK. I got food stamps now. Today I had to go to the doctor to see if I could qualify for medical insurance on my LINK card too. It was in the city. You don't get a choice about where you go to or when... they just send you a letter with the date, time and place, and you'd better make it there! I took the train down to the city and walked to the place. The appointment was at 2:00, but can you believe they didn't call me in until almost 4:00? Then the doctor just asked me a few questions. He said the words "Apple, desk, ball," and I was supposed to remember them for the entire time and then repeat them back. I did it... I've done that before. Every time you do an intake for any sort of mental health thing, they ask you to do that. They also ask you if you are seeing things, what the date is, who is the President of the United States. I was like, "Man, these questions are hard, can I poll the audience?"
He also wanted me to stand on my tiptoes and touch my toes.
The appointment took about fifteen minutes. So, basically, I was there for over two hours, but only fifteen minutes of it was actually seeing a doctor!
The reason I want to get Medicaid or Medicare or whatever they're calling it these days is so I can get my medicine. It would be good if they qualify me as disabled, because then I might be able to get help with other things too. The weird thing is, I write pretty well, but in real life I have a lot of problems. If you met me online, you'd think I was really smart, but if you met me in real life, you'd think i was a spazz! Part of this is due to the Aspie tendencies I have. (I don't know if i have real Asperger's Syndrome since I've never been officially diagnosed, but I do definitely have ADHD, and I also have a lot of similarities to Asperger's!) For instance, if you see me walking down the street, you might see me flapping my hands or muttering to myself. You'd think, "There goes a crazy person!" Right? But its really just that I slip into my own world so easily! I might be flapping my hands because I'm actually signing ABC's to myself... I have a weird habit of spelling out my thoughts sometimes. Its a stimming thing. And as for talking to myself, I might be repeating something I recently heard or something I recently said, going over it with myself. I forget that other people can see me. I might be running my hand along a wall as I walk, because I'm always needing to touch things. Today on the way back from the doctor's office, I got into an elevator, and turned and started writing invisible letters on the wall with my finger and humming. It was because I was still so anxious and wound up due to the doctor's appointment, and I was thinking about it and going over it in my head, and wasn't really aware of my own body. Then I turned and realized the other person in the elevator was staring at me! The lady exited quickly and hurried away when the elevator doors opened!
Even people who know me well might not know how much trouble I have. I can hide it for short amounts of time. ESPECIALLY around my parents and other family members... because my mom gets so mad at me, she gets embarassed of me, and its really nervewracking to me. At family gatherings I can often be seen sitting alone because I get so nervous... except for around the little kids. Little kids are so nonjudgemental, they bring out the best in me! Anyway, I can hide my troubles for a while, but they always come sliding out.
One way that my problems cause me trouble is when I have a job. I can usually make a pretty good impression at an interview. I have enough social skills to know that you are supposed to smile, look the person in the eye, sit up straight, speak clearly, act confidently, etc. I can pretend. But once I start a job, it becomes pretty obvious. I get so nervous around new people, I actually get nauseous! I have trouble learning new things and following directions. I have trouble understanding what people tell me to do.
I remember this one job I had for a while when I was about 19. It was at Kids R Us. I thought I could handle working in a store, because it was a kids' store! I was told to do something with the shoes. I don't remember what it was... probably because at the time I didn't fully understand what I was meant to do. I just remember sitting in the stockroom for way too long, basically hiding out, staring at all the shoes and trying desperately to find something I could do. I was also good at going around the store and finding loose things to put back on the racks. But as soon as a customer asked me a question, I would panic! We were supposed to actively go up to customers and ask them if they needed help. But since I was terrified to talk to new people, and I was terrified that I wouldn't know how to answer their questions, I spent more time pretending I didn't see customers and walking in the opposite direction! Every time I had to go to work, I would get so nauseous and sick. Finally, I quit, because I just couldn't take it anymore! I was starting to get depressed from knowing that I was going to be so nervous and confused each day at work!
The people who know best about the problems I encounter are Diana and Jimmy. Especially Diana! Sometimes she's like a translator between me and the rest of the world. She gets me to laugh at myself and she tries to explain things to me. But sometimes she gets aggravated with me too... I embarrass her in public, just like I embarrass my mom.
What I have really is an "invisible" disability... and some people would think I have no disability at all.
Well, at least I can remember those three words... apple, desk, ball!


The worst words

To me the worst words in the world are "go home..." because I don't have a home.
This occured to me the other day when I went to my mom's house and couldn't get my key to work in the door. In the few minutes before I realized the problem... someone had simply locked the bottom lock, instead of locking the top lock like usual... it all came back to me... that the locks can be changed at any minute. That I always have to be on my best behavior wherever I go, because all I really have is a series of places to hang out in, where if I piss them off they can say "go home" or just change the locks. My whole world can so easily be yanked out from under me. Sometimes it is hard because I want to be sad sometimes, I want to be upset sometimes, but I have to try to be good because my worst nightmare is hearing "get out of here". And even if I did have a house of my own, it wouldn't be much different... because I hate being alone. It is love and friendship I am afraid of losing... and it always seems ao fragile to me.


Mass Confusion

Yesterday was the second worst day of my life!
First of all, Diana's mom's house caught on fire, with Abby and Hayden inside, which you can read about at my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, if you want to, because I don't want to rewrite the same exact thing twice!
So everyone has been really upset about that.
And yesterday for some reason I was just having a really high-anxiety day in the first place, I just had a horribly nervous and sick feeling all day long.
Then night came, and Diana and Jimmy wanted to go out to see the band Infinity which was playing at a nearby bar. I didn't even want to go in the first place, because I was feeling so anxious and upset, and I just had a horrible feeling. But they kept telling me to just go with, and I also didn't want to be left out, so in the end I decided to go with.
Every time we go to see Infinity Diana likes to go right up in front, in the front row closest to the stage. I used to hate this but I have gotten a lot better. the reason I used to hate it is because I have sensitive ears being that close really, really, really hurts my ears, to the point where I can't even hear the music. Also I hate being squashed in with all those people. Its probably the Aspie part of me that hates these things. But I've gotten a lot better now. The loudness hardly bothers me any more, even at indoor concerts. I can stand in the front row with Diana without feeling like I'm in physical pain anymore, and I've learned to ignore the people around me. What some people don't always understand about me is that i just don't have these certain social skills that other people take for granted. Even stupid little things, like what should I do with my coat, I'm really hot so I should take it off, but should I hold it, or put it on the stage, or find somewhere else for it, or take it back out to the car, or what... sends me into a spinning cycle of anxiety! As for music and crowds, my parents used to take me and my brother to festivals with music all the time when I was little, but I was never one of those kids who would be up front dancing and having fun, even back then. I was always one of those kids who would be up at the top of the hill away from the music, covering my ears because the noise was too loud, and wanting to cry because the darkness and crowds made me scared! Even when I was ten or eleven! I just don't have that in me! But I really thought I have gotten better... I am better at going to the regular bar now where they don't have concerts, even when the music is loud, I have fun there and can play darts or video games or whatever or just sit there and I'm not really as nervous there. And as for the concert, I do like listening to that music, which is music I was probably listening to before Diana ever did, because my uncle used to play it for us in his room and make tapes for us and stuff. It always reminds me of my uncle and my little brother. But I do not, and most likely never will, like to "dance around" or do crowd participation stuff. Its just too much. I am happy to just stand and listen to the music and watch the people playing and all the lights and stuff, and it is just a show to me, and I like it but I am no good at being outwardly socially appropriate or whatever.
So yesterday we were there and Jimmy kept walking away, and i was standing with Diana, and she was dancing, and then she looked at me and got a really disappointed look in her eyes and said, "I miss Anthony." At that moment my spirits crashed to the floor, broke into a million pieces, and got crushed. And then she wanted to go back to the regular bar instead.
So somehow Jimmy and Diana got into a huge fight in the car, in which Jimmy had heard Diana saying something about Anthony and was mad about that, and Diana was saying she thought we weren't having fun at the band and that she was being nice to want to go back to the other bar, and they were just screaming and screaming, and I was covering my ears but could hear Diana keep saying, "and you leave me with Nicki who JUST STANDS THERE?"
The end result was that Jimmy pulled the car into the parking lot of the other bar, jumped out and left us. Then Diana was really upset and crying and yelling, and I said I could drive the car home, but Diana said no, and then she told me to get out and walk home. So I did.
it was only two blocks or so but snowy, and by the time I got home I was spinning like crazy! i went in and saw Jimmy and said, "You left me there and Diana made me get out and walk home, and I never even wanted to go in the first place!" Jimmy said, "Well, sorry," and then I couldn't breathe and couldn't breathe and couldn't breathe. It was the first time I had a WHOLE panic attack, where I couldn't breathe at all and couldn't see or nothing, in like forever. Then Jimmy was holding me and saying, "calm down, calm down, pet the dog, pet the dog!" and thats all I really remember until I saw Diana come home and say, "You didn't come back for me, you just went to bed?"
Then the night continued on and on because I could not sleep at all, I was just laying there and laying there and laying there. Then I fell asleep at like six in the morning, and at six-forty-five Abby was waking me up by climbing on me and jumping on me!And i felt really sick and sore, my head was killing me and my chest was hurting, which is from the anziety attack, because your body freaks out and sends you so much addrenaline that you can't even handle it, and because when you can't breathe your lungs are gasping so much that it makes them sore and makes your rib cage sore and everything. So I mostly slept all day long, and slept and slept and slept, and Jimmy woke me up to eat breakfast and then I went to sleep again.

It all started because of me, that huge fight between them was all because I'm not a regular person. Speaking of Anthony, he used to say Diana shouldn't hang out with me, he didn't want me around, because he said I was like a little old lady and I was no fun.
I'm sorry to everyone, for what I am, and what I am not, and what I just cannot be.


Brand New Day

So yesterday eventually got better. Me and Diana went and scooped Sarah andher friend Emily up off the street, and went to Burger King to stalk Megan. We ended up going back to Dina's mom's house to hang out for a while, then brought Sarah home with us, and she ended up babysitting the little kids so we could go up to the bar. It was noisy there. We actually walked home, which was really weird because Jimmy usually hates walking and would rather just drive the two blocks home from the bar. but it was nice out and he said we could walk. It was cool. But then he started running from us. He was walking a little ways ahead of us, and we yelled out, "JIMMY!" and he just bolted, and got home like five hours ahead of us somehow! Left us to stumble down the middle of the street saying, "That bastard!"
the weirdest news we found out at the bar is, we sort of know this neighborhood guy who everyone calls Coach for some reason. He's about 24 or so and he was living with his grandfather, who was really old, and taking care of him. So last night we found out that Coach's uncle murdered Coach's grandfather! Diana had seen the article in the paper but since we had never known Coach's last name or his family or anything, she never connected that it was him! So scary, isn't it?
Anyway we are probably going to the farm later today with the kids. It is nice out and the farm is free. I am so tired though I wish I could sleep for twelve hours!!!



We were gonna go to the zoo today because its so nice out, but instead Jimmy and Diana got in a fight and Diana went to bed and everyone slept all day. I cleaned up the kitchen and living room to try to cheer up Diana but it doesn't work. Oh welll... maybe tomorrow we will do something... I hope so! No I don't WANT to just go by myself, its not the same, and I don't really have anyone else, so shut up!

(EDITED TO ADD: Jimmy wants you to know that he did not sleep all day! He washed the cars and picked up dog poop from the driveway. And Diana thinks this post is like a temper tantrum!)


Long TIme, No Blog!

Its been quite a long time since i've posted on this blog... almost a month! I guess because my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, is more of my showing off to the world blog, whereas this is more of my personal blog that not too many people read. I basically just have two readers... Diana, and my aunt! So if something has to be neglected, its usually this one. :(
Anyway, today is Friday, but I'm at my mom's house because Jimmy is watching the kids today, giving me a day off since I had a five-day-long marathon of watching the kids while Diana and Jimmy were in Vegas. I've been busy trying to get a bunch of stuff done. Yesterday was dedicated to doing laundry... Yep, in this house I must dedicate a day to it... writing some articles for Associated Content, and setting up my Amazon shops on Slow Down, Gym Shoe!. Today has been dedicated to everything else. I caught up on most of my blog reading, most of my emails, most of my "get-paid-to" gigs, wrote a few more articles for Associated Content, and am trying to catch up on this blog now! At some point I gotta go out to go to the post office, stop at Target to get a few things, and hopefully get some food. There is NO food here. My parents don't eat here much. So they are out of even the bare essentials, like CHEESE! Wait a minute, there must be peanut butter... maybe I should check for that!
I am starving to death. Here's the plan. Must make a plan. Okay.

1. Eat lunch here.
2. Go to post office.
3. Target.
4. Home. Clean room and put away laundry.

If I stay the night here and go to Diana's in the morning, that will give me a few extra hours here to finish stuff. Right?

I'm so glad its almost the weekend so Diana will be home! I missed her so much while she was in Vegas, and then when she got home we were both so sick it was like being at the brink of death, so we didn't get to enjoy it much. So I'm glad tomorrow is Saturday!

Okay lemme get out of here... Bye!