2008-11-11

In Tears....

So I've decided to take a break from typing up my NaNoWriMo entries for a while... I'm still writing plenty, in my notebook, but trying to type up the entries and post them here each day takes up a lot of time and energy that I don't really have. At some point, maybe weekly, I will catch up with my typing!
At any rate you want to know why I am in tears... its probably because I left my meds at Diana's so didn't take them today, and I think I forgot to take them yesterday too... plus I've had a horrible sinus infection for about a week now, with bronchitis coming in... so I've just been feeling horribly run down and sneezy and achy and everything. Plus stressed out because I have all of these huge projects coming up in my classes, plus I still owe my school $2,000 for tuition, plus this and that and this and that, and I'm just not good at juggling it all!
Then last night, after watching the kids all day long and going directly to school afterwards, I come home to find a special little note saying how I spend all of my time "blogging" and I need to clean my room before I use the computer. (With a sidenote, yeah I am blogging RIGHT NOW, but to say I spend ALL of my time blogging is a huge exaggeration! I type fast. Each blog entry takes me about ten minutes. So really, maybe an hour a week, tops, blogging. An hour.)The special little note was followed up by an angry lecture about how I am a freeloader who contributes nothing, and how I will soon find all of my things out in the front yard.
So today I got up and went to school, then after school came home and spent the next four hours doing laundry while working on one of my big projects for school. Finished my laundry and then went upstairs to spend the next two hours working so hard at cleaning my room (ended up throwing away about two garbage bags full of stuff) while also sneezing and coughing so bad, I basically filled up a third garbage bag with Kleenexes as I cleaned because I was sneezing so much! Like nonstop, sneeze-sneeze-sneeze-sneeze-sneeze-sneeze. Part of it is because I'm allergic to mold and dust, and my room is directly connected to the attic (in order to go to the attic people actually have to go into my closet!) which is filled with mold and dust. Plus then I eventually noticed someone had left the attic door open, which was probably making it way worse. So by the time I'm done, I'm literally sweating and my nose is bleeding and everything else. And just tired and feeling gross and horrible and sad.
But my room is clean as hell. (Just don't open the desk drawers... I'm gonna clean those out next week!)
But instead of feeling happy about my accomplishment, I just feel suicidal. I mean it, dude. About ninety times I had to stop and take deep breathes and coach myself to keep from melting into a sobbing, sneezing, bleeding heap.
Because lets face it, and lets be truthful here. I been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, and still can't do good enough. I cannot turn around without hearing how I should be spending less time with these kids and more time with those kids, how I should be doing more of this and less of that, how while its mildly commendable that I've done this, it would be much preferred if I just did that instead.

For example. I watch Abby and Hayden all day long three days a week, plus Brandon after school, plus two additional kids after school as well, and if you add up the hours I watch them all during the week its 30 hours, which is close to a full time job. Plus going to school full time, plus homework. Which is, in my mind, A LOT!

But in my mom's eyes, its all nothing, because she equates my watching the kids as something I'm doing for my own self because of my illogical priorities or whatever, and any time I spend trying to plan interesting or fun things for the kids also counts as my own wasting of time, according to my mom. Any time I spend at Diana's house on the weekends is considered recreation in my mom's eyes, so whether I am spending time there babysitting the kids, or helping out at all, or doing my homework, or participating in normal household activities such as going to the store or farting into the wind or whatever, thats considered by my mom to be recreation. In her mind I am just this irresponsible person leading this happy-go-lucky life.

And I don't really have anything to show for life, nothing that matters. In my mind I have Brandon and Abby and Hayden to show for it, but in my mom's eyes thats nothing. In most of my family's eyes thats nothing.

And they make it so clear, my parents, that I am the one thing standing in their way of happiness. That if I wasn't around, they could have so much more extra space in their house, they'd have so few responsibilities, they could move to Tennessee or wherever. They already assume that when I finish school I'm going to move with them to wherever, because I will not be able to take care of myself.

I don't know. There are so many things I Wish I could explain here. My mom has the luxury of being a perfectionist, but I cannot be. Whether it is my ADHD that gets in the way, or whether you believe thats just an excuse and ADHD isn't real (Jimmy thinks I don't have ADHD, but then again, Jimmy doesn't even believe that Ben is autistic or that Danny has Down Syndrome!!!) I don't have a perfect bone in my body. My life consists of coming up with coping skills, and strategies, and tricks, and hopes and prayers and wishes. I can't be perfect. I can't make my mom happy. I can't make ANYBODY happy. I can try, like I did today, work so hard that I wind up sick and in tears, but I will always be forty cents short of a dollar.

And then when I try to expain, people are like, "OOOOH POOOOOOOOOOR YOU, right? POOOOR you!"

So.

Benadryl is kicking in. Goodnight.

1 comments:

Adelaide Dupont said...

What a b***h (of a situation).

Hope you can get the novel typed up soon. Perhaps at the end of the month, or when you've cleaned up.

It's been a great read so far. Very interesting to know some of the hidden details and in such a style!

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