2008-09-12

Crapppppppy Crap Crap

It is a horrid horrid horrid horrid night and I am trying awfully hard not to fall apart. The day with the little kids was good but then after Jimmy and Diana came home all hell broke loose. It all started cause Abby got Treasure Box this week but then she wanted two treasures instead of one, and kept arguing about it, so I told her she had to pick one or zero, and she picked zero. So later on she said she wanted to choose just one, and I said fine but not right now because now you're going to have to wait until I feel like going back out there, just because I wanted her to have to be a little sad that she had to wait for it now. Then it just went on and on and on, and Diana was getting mad at me, and Abby was being rude and went in the corner, etc, etc, etc.
Meanwhile Diana and Jimmy were tring to decide whether to go up to the fest in Wheaton, except it was raining, and finally during dinner Diana was still mad and then said she just felt like going by herself or with one or two of the kids because she didn't want to drag Hayden out. Abby said she wanted to go with so DIana said OK, and then Jimmy said I should go to, me, Nicki, should go, and DIana yelled "No!" and they got in a huge fight and Jimmy stormed out and drove away. Then Diana wouldn't talk to me and she got both the little kids ready and she left too. I dont know whaat I did so bad but I think it was partly because the other day Eric called me and But it all comes down to I'm just another person making diana miserble everyday just by being here. And now everyone is gone even the little kids and I thought Jimmy went to get Brandon but actually Diana went to pick him up an bring him with to the fest and not bring me and Jimmy not coming back an deveryone is mad at me and I didn' mean to do nothing. I try so hard to make evryone happy I swear I try so hard to do good things with the little kids, then I come home and I clean up the house and put out the garbage and make the kids do their chores and put away all the toys and try to make it look nice so the clutter wont make diana mad and sometimes she says i do a good job but i know its never enoug causethey still fight and get mad and then diana gets mad at me and its just like when i was a little kid, cause they are fighting and abby runs to me just like my little brother used to do, and i tell her dont think about it just think other things. And she was so rude today Abby was just right after diana came back, and i know diana thinks i'm starting to do a horrid job watching abby and brandon because they don't hardly listen.
I want really bad to rip my skin off and I NEED to but I am not, you would be so proud because I haven't at all, not even a little, because I dont want to not live ehre and not see the kids. even if everyone hates me at least i got them, and the y DO listen most of the time, its just when they get anxious and overwhelmed that they start snapping, just like everyone else.
Diana threw away abby's book, which abby worked hella hard on at school and drew all the pictures and was so proud of it and was gonna call her grandma and tell her she was an illustrator, and diana threw it away in the garbage cause she was mad, I took it out and put it in my backpack. I am so sad today and everyne hates me and i just wish was deead and tomorrow i have to go get MELISSA AND Maggie, i'm gonna take bran and abby and hayden wit me i hope but i can't bring the girls here because i think thats why she got so mad part of it anyway. But i don't have much money and i don't know wht to do with them and i think its gonna rain so we might just go to the mall.
please got let me feel better and not everone mad at meplease please please i always try don't I? I nver mean to make people angry but somehow I'm poison, i'm the devil, i wreck everything and make them all go away.

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