Warning: The following is written on lack of medication and a tired sleepless brain so please disregard and just let me vent for now so hopefully I can relax and sleep.
Cause I just don't feel good tonight and I'm spiraling and its a horrid night for me. Plus now diana was mad at me because when she went to the laundry mat she ended up going to the bar to see Jimmy but then he left her and went with his friend and she came home and was like "So i should break up wit him right?" and i didn't say anything cause i don't want to be the judge of that and then diana was like, "oh great lovely fine go back to sleep" and I did and had nightmares and woke up choking and diana still mad. :( Plus what am i supposed to say because people do the same thing to me all the time as far as saying, "Oh good, you're here, I'm OUTTA HErE". My school is starting in a week or two and Im gonna have to be at night classes which will mean i won't be staying here as many nights and whats really gonna make me sad is when on the nights when I am here, everyones going to jump up and leave cause i'm here and they have the chance to go out. I KNOW no matter hwat that Im here to watch the kids, thats my main purpose to be in this house, which is why jimmy even tells everyone I'm th e babysitter or the nany, not Diana though she doesn't say that but still. I love the kids so much and I try really hard to do activities with them and spend time with them and do fun things, but then in the end I know it aint never enough cause i just don't have enough to give. I know I'm not making any sense here but just let me empty my brain so maybe I an sleep.
Everyone I ever stayed with has just been my friend because I took care of their kids, there's really no other reason for me to exist. I'm not even good at anything but taking care of kids. Its my redeeming quality. And sometims lately I think I even suck at that, because brandon barely listens to me and he seems to hate me now, and Abby listens to me about 50% of the time, and hayden is always whining and everyone thiks its cause I hold her too much. I love Abby and Hayden so much but sometimes I get so mad at Abby during the day because she just seems to do things without thinking, like climbing on stuff or irritating her sister or taking/breaking stuff she's not supposed to have, or like if I let her play with paints and then I go to the bathroom, I come back and she's naked with her whole body painted, and its like, "WHAT????????????" Like, dude, what possessed you to do that?
So thats it really. No point. This post is strictly stream of consciousness. I'm not really crazy. I'm just clearing out my mind. I'm feeling way better already!
Plus I feel like there are so many people in the sidelines who are wondering why I don't give them more, like Melissa and Maggie... can you believe I don't see them anymore at all, after all that? After the whole DCFS thing, its like I'm too drained to even think about them. I mean I just don't have enough, you know, I just don't have enough to give.
I'm tired, I'm gonna try to sleep, in the morning I'm gonna raise hell, kick ass and take names to get my meds! G'night!


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