What the F--- Am I Doing Here?

I'm frustrated right now because I came to my mom's house this morning, after being at Diana's since the Fourth of July. I came home to find a piece of paper on the counter on which someone had written the following:

15.00 per hour
x 8 hours = $120.00

3 days per week = $360.00 per week

4 weeks per month = $1440.00 cash

Computer =

It didn't take a rocket scientist for me to realize that these facts and figures were supposed to be about me. Even though I do not know where she got the $15.00 per hour figure from!
I wasn't even surprised to see this info there because for the last few months, every time I get near my mom she starts commenting, "So you must be rolling in money, huh!"


I was a little freaked out, but I am proud of myself for not getting upset. I just called my mom and calmly asked her what it was for, and said that I was a little surprised and offended to find that piece of paper there, because I didn't think I should have to write out my expenses and income for her.
And I still don't know what her point was, because she was like, "No, you don't have to do anything with it," and then started telling me that my room smells bad.
Thats another weird thing about my mom, because my room really isn't all that messy any more. And she's been complainign that that room smells bad, every summer, even when it used to be my little brother's room! The reason it sometimes smells weird is because the two attics opens up into that room, and in the summer the top attic (which is more like a crawl space, except I call it an attic because I think of a crawlspace as being down below, but its just a really tiny space up above the closet) door is open with just a screen or something blocking it. And there's always weird odors coming from up there. One time last summer I coulda swore something crawled up there and died because it smelled so bad, and my dad climbed up to look, but found nothing, and in a few days the weird smell went away. So thats the explanation for the weird smell in my room. I mean, I come home twice a week and do laundry, and I barely sleep in the bed, so my mom's theory that the smell is from unwashed clothes doesn't hold water.
Anyway, supposedly my "smelly" room has something to do with that sheet of paper.
And the moral of the story seemed to be, "Are you saving up to get your own place, because we want to turn your room into a guest room."
Dude... ugh.
But I didn't get upset. I was calm the whole time. I'm just a little twitched out now because its like, I just don't get it. Diana's theory is that my mom wonders why I spend so much time over at her house and am not hanging out with my parents so much anymore. But the thing is, I was never "BFF" with my parents! Maybe my dad, sometimes on some type of trauma-bond level, but not my mom. For a while, when I was going through extreme anxiety a few years ago after I quit school at SIUC, I was having panic attacks about being away from my mom, but that irritated her more than anything else and just made our relationship worse because she was like, "WTF?"
I think I'm just a huge disappointment to them and everyone else. I'm 29 and they just see me as a big loser. I know somewhere in my mind I do a lot to take care of Brandon and Abby and Hayden, and those kids are so important to me, and I think taking care of them is a pretty big job in life. But to them, its just nothing! You know? And I just wonder why I even bother to come back here as much as I do... but its mainly to see Trixie and Sammy-Joe. I miss them so bad. :(
In other news, yesterday was a mixed-good-and-mixed-bad day.
Bad: I took Abby and Hayden to Lord's Park to see the baby farm animals that are supposed to be there. But when we got there, we couldn't find any baby farm animals! There were a few farm animals, but no babies. And even though its referred to as the "Petting Zoo" by Elgin dwellers, you're not supposed to pet the animals. They bite.
Good: We stopped at McDonalds on the way home. My new theory about McDonalds is, as long as you buy something there, you can play in the play place! Always good for an hour or so of air-conditioning and fun! The other day we brought our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and snacks there, and just bought sodas and cookies. Yesterday, we just bought sodas. Hayden actually went up in the tubes! I climbed up there with her so she wouldn't fall and break her neck. She loved climbing around in the little secret rooms and yelling so she could hear the echo! She's such a climber!
Good: Jimmy came over and made us ribs for supper, and they were hella good! Also macaroni and cheese, corn, and biscuits. Jimmy likes to include as many different foods as possible in each meal, even if they have nothing to do with each other. For instance, one other time he made BLT sandwiches and Spaghetti-O's!
Bad: Diana was sad because Jimmy was there. She didn't want to come home because she thought it was sad for her to be around Jimmy when they were broken up, but she was also sad to be gone when the rest of us were at home.
Good: Diana did eventually come home and all of us went to the fireworks together, and the fireworks were hella cool! And there's going to be more fireworks on Sunday night!
Bad: After Jimmy left again, Diana was sad and then she was mad at me.
Weird: After Jimmy left, I fell asleep extremely quickly, because I was so tired. Then Jimmy came back. Do you ever snap out of a dead sleep because something startles you? Thats how it was. The door opened and I was instantly awake, with my heart pounding so heard I could hear it in my ears! Jimmy just calmly walked in, said "Hi" and went back by Diana. I was still so shaken up from waking up from the door, and so confused about Jimmy being there, that I nearly became schizophrenic. But luckily, I recovered. I think.


brandonsmom_02 said...

Sweetie, why didn't you tell me that you were upset about your mom when I called? You just let me ramble on and on and now I feel SO bad! You are having a crappy day too?

Well, I LOVE you! You mean the world to me. You are amazing to my kids and you do more for me personally then anybody in the entire world. Honestly, you do get kind of screwed with the little amount of money that you are getting paid. And there is no way to live on your own making that. I would totally understand when the day comes that you say I need to move on with my life, etc. In the meantime, I wish I could give you the money that you are worth. And even though I am sad and crappy just know that it is not you - I am sad and crappy to everybody...even the kids.

I think we both know what your mom's point is, and I am proud of you for not letting it get to you. Maybe she is just trying to open the lines of communication. Just try talking to her. Tell her how you feel. Do you want me to call her and let her know how important you are to us? I totally will.

I say forget what I said earlier on the phone - everyone needs to smile and have fun. Lets go out tonight, if it doesn't rain, and have some fun.

I love you. I'll try to get my shit together so I can be the friend that you deserve.


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