2008-07-08

Titleless

Hi everyone! Here I am blogging again! I tend to blog at night because thats the only time I really get a minute without a baby tugging on my leg, a preschooler screaming in my ear, or a middle-schooler begging me to let him use the computer!!!
So anyway today was a pretty good day for me. I took the kids to a nature place with a butterfly house, and then we had sodas in McDonalds and ate our picnic lunch in there so we could save money! The kids were pretty well-behaved today and nothing went wrong.
So Diana went out tonight and before she went out we were talking and she thought I looked sad and was like, "Let me see your arms!" and I showed her I hadn't been cutting. Then later she mentioned that if I was cutting again I can't be around here. Which totally freaks me out... not because I'm even going to cut again, but because its too much to lose! In a single moment of panic I could lose everything! That may sound like its a huge incentive to never cut again, but it really is a scary idea. I can totally understand now how drug addicts, like Tony for instance, when you tell them something like, "If you do drugs you're gonna lose your home and your car and your wife and your kids and everything you love," then they say, "Fuck it," because its like, when you know you're a screw up, and you know you're probably gonna screw up again, its hard to have that hanging over your head! For me its a huge fear, like, inevitably I'm going to lose everything. Diana says its because the kids can see when I have cuts and thats not a good thing for them to see, and I totally understand that. But I'm scared I'll mess up! Sometimes my heart feels like its bleeding blood and guts, and I can't do nothing about it and I can't put it into words, and sometimes when I try to tell people they might just get pissed off at me.
But anyway I'm gonna try to go to that SAFE place one of these days but I don't even know if I can afford to go there.
Anyway... so Diana went over to her friend's house and she was excited about getting out for a while because she's still so sad about Jimmy and how that whole thing went horribly awry.
Meanwhile today I texted Jimmy to say "good day or bad day" because I almost always do. If I'm at my mom's house I text Diana and Jimmy, but if I'm here I usually would just ask them, or text whoever isn't around. I started doing that once a while ago when a really bad day was happening, with drunkenness and brawling and hollering and everything. I said to Jimmy, "This is a really bad day and I wish this day never happened" and he was like, "Yeah me to," but then that night turned out to be great and the next day was great, so I started trying to think of every day as just one day that was just good or bad, instead of as a signal for how all of life would be!
So anyway when I texted Jimmy today he said "Not good" and I said "Why" and he said "Miss everyone." I feel bad for him because we're all together and he's all alone... like the way I feel a lot of the time when everyone goes out without me, or when I'm at my mom's and everyone else is home together here.
Plus I still miss Jimmy being here. To me he was sort of like my big brother Nick was, in the good ways. Because there was good days and bad days with him, and on the good days you knew everything was taken care of, and you were going to have food to eat and you were maybe going to get to do something fun and things were going to be cool. but the difference between him and Nick were, with Jimmy, even on the worse days, you knew you weren't going to end up getting your ass kicked or having your money stolen or getting your stuff all messed up or watching him get arrested or wiping his blood off the ceiling or anything else bizarre like that. You'd just be like, "Ugh Jimmy is cranky" and thats it.
But I hope Diana does find someone who loves her and doesn't call her bad names like Jimmy does when he's mad. And its cool that we're still gonna see Jimmy if he comes over sometimes to hang out with us when Diana ain't here. I really wish we could still go camping and go on the boat and stuff like Jimmy said before. Brandon constantly talks about camping and he likes nature so much. He could spend all day just sitting by a pond or a creek, and even if its just some stinky retention pond he thinks its so cool.
Ugh I have to end this rambling blog entry at some point or another so I can go to bed!!!!!

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