2008-07-29

Good Weekend, Good Day, Good Bye!


Hi everyone! Hows your week been? We had a pretty busy weekend! On Saturday, in a continued celebration of Abby's birthday, Jimmy's sister and brother-in-law and their kids came over for a BBQ. It was a great day! It almost didn't happen at all because Jimmy and Diana were having a huge fight that morning. Jimmy ended up telling us that he called everyone and told them not to come over. Then he came back and said, "Are we going to have this barbeque or not?" and it turned out he didn't tell anyone not to come over. But when Diana and him were arguing over it, Jimmy really did call everyone and tell them not to come over. Then Jimmy left. Shortly thereafter, Diana called him and begged him to just call everyone back and have them come, because it was supposed to be for Abby's birthday and Abby was all excited about seeing her cousins and swimming in the pool with them and everything.
Right after they hung up, Jimmy called my phone, because I guess Diana didn't answer hers. Diana didn't want me to answer my phone, but Jimmy kept calling back over and over again, and the phone vibrated so much that it fell right off the table! So finally I answered it. Jimmy said, he called everyone back and told them, the party is back on, and they should come over.
So I hung up and told Diana that the party was back on. And Diana said, "No, no, no! Now I don't want anyone coming over here! Call him back and tell him no."
I was starting to become schizophrenic from all of the changes!
I am not good with changes. When something changes suddenly, I get really nervous. It takes me a while to start readjusting my brain, because I have to erase my visions of what I thought was going to happen, and try to make new visions of what is now going to happen, and try to assure myself that those new things are going to be okay.
When things change suddenly fifty times in the course of ten minutes, I start to hyperventilate!
Luckily it all turned out well, at least as far as the party goes. The peeps all came over and had a great time.
Jimmy's family is really nice, especially his parents. His mom told me to call her Mom or Grandma, and they always hug me when they see me and they talk to me and act like I belong there. Diana's family always treats me like I belong, too. I wonder if thats how most families are.
By the way, don't forget to check out my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe! to see what the kids and I have been up to! We had a really cool day yesterday!

2008-07-21

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

I last posted only a few hours ago, and since then, things have gone crazy!
Over the weekend when TOny and his girlfriend Robyn took the kids for the day, they brought the kids home and they had gotten Brandon a BB gun. It was the kind with the soft plastic BB's. At first Diana was pissed because she figured Tony should have asked her first, and she didn't even want the gun being used around our house, with the two little kids there and everything. Eventually Brandon convinced her to let him keep the gun, but he was gonna have to follow really strict rules with it. Some of the rules were that he was never to shoot it at anyone or even pretend like he was going to, he wasn't allowed to shoot it at any of the surrounding houses or cars, etc.
So the second day that he owned it, Brandon was showing it to all the neighbor kids, and they all happened to have their own BB guns as well, with no rules around them because we live in the ghetto. So the other kids were walking around with their metal bullet BB guns in their pants like gangstas and everything. Somehow Brandon's BB gun got broke, and then the 8-year-old neighbor accidentally shot Brandon with his big brother's (real metal BB) gun.
So then, today, Brandon asked me if I would let him use his tokens* to get a new BB gun. I was like, "You'd better ask your mom about all that, because I'm not just gonna take you to get another BB gun after the whole ordeal the other day." So Brandon called up Diana and asked her, and she said, fine, get another BB gun. And we went to Wal-Mart and picked out another one.
Afterwards, the kids and I were all at home and the kids were climbing the walls. I took Hayden out to play in the back yard because she loves being out there on the slides. Brandon came out and asked me if he could go play across the street with the neighbor kids, and I said "Yes." Abby came out and asked me if she could take Clover for a walk, and I said "Yes."
After a while I brought Hayden inside to get a drink, and I look out the window and see all the boys playing in the street, and Abby standing in the street with them, with Clover's leash tied to one of her bicycle handle bars. I went outside to tell Abby to get out of the street, and to let the dog come inside if she was done playing with her. I turned to go back to the house, and look back and realize what all the boys were doing... they were having an actual gun fight and shooting each other with their BB guns!
I went back over there and hollered at Brandon, "Are you shooting at people with that gun?"
He's like, "Yes, but they're soft bullets, they don't hurt."
Disbelieving, I hollered, "I'm calling your mom right now! And you're doing this with Abby sitting right here?" It was just so twilight-zonish to me that he was actually breaking just about every single BB-gun-related rule in existence, just blatantly right in front of me! I grabbed Abby and brought her inside and called Diana, and she told me to take the gun away, and that was the end of that until she and Jimmy got home and ripped him about twenty new assholes, then TOny called up and ripped him about twenty more.

*I made up the token thing at the beginning of the summer for Abby. The idea is that the day is broken up into sections, and she earns stickers for following five rules during each thing that we do. The rules are: Keep yourself safe, keep others safe, keep our things safe, do good listening to grown-ups and use good manners. They're an adaptation of the ECE CARES rules. If Abby follows all the rules for a section of the day... like, Lunch, or Chores, or whatever... she gets a token. She can get seven tokens in a day, and can eventually trade the tokens for prizes. Like if we were out somewhere and she saw something she wanted, I'll get it for her if she has enough tokens. The system works really well with Abby because she doesn't freak out or get upset about losing tokens when she does. She actually points out to me when she should lose a token. I think it helps her to think before she acts, and also to break the day up so she has lots of chances to do good. When she has a perfect day and earns all of her stickers and tokens, we hang the sheet up on the refrigerator. ANd she still gets negative things, like time outs, if she breaks the rules, so its not like she says, "I have enough tokens for now, I'll just skip a few rules today."
It seems to be good for Abby, but when I first started it Brandon wanted to earn tokens to, so I made up a sticker sheet for him. But with him, I think it does exactly the opposite, and gives him the idea that he should be richly rewarded for every little thing he does. Even when he hasn't spent the day with me and the little kids, he wants tokens, and is constantly trying to say he has more than he already has. And, like, this morning, I had asked him to come with me and the kids to the mall, so that he could watch Abby in the play place for a few minutes while I took Hayden and went and grabbed Abby's birthday present. At first he said "Sure," and asked if we could stop at Wal-Mart so he could spend his tokens. Then in the car he started being a jerk to Abby and to me, saying he never should have come, etc, so much that I almost turned the car around and said, "Fine, then stay home," but that would have been like a reward for being mean. And once we actually got to the mall he was fine and being really nice, and he stayed in a pretty good mood right up until the BB gun incident. Its weird, its like he goes through mood swings, but I've kinda noticed that he has pleasant and happy moods as long as everything is going your way. In the car on the way there, all it took was Abby saying, "Yay, my brothers going to play with me!" to make Brandon get all angry and say that Abby was making fun of him or "rubbing it in his face." While we were at the mall he was happy because we were going to eat lunch in the food court and because he was going to be able to get a new BB gun. And as soon as he got in trouble and the BB gun got taken away, he was back to hating everything.
So I think I'm not even going to do the tokens with him anymore. There's no point to it. He spent the last of his tokens on that BB gun, and now its gone, and thats that.

Anyway, I'm at my mom's house now, and tomorrow is Abby's birthday party! I can't believe that little kid is turning FIVE YEARS OLD! Unbelievable, huh?

Happiness Is A warm Dog!


Well I haven't blogged in a few days, so let me try to update you!
The biggest news is that we got a new dog! His name is Mijo, which means "my son" in Spanish. He's a chihuahua! Actually he's part chihuahua and part rat terrier. Very cute! Brandon had been begging for a chihuahua since he's been able to talk, so he's really excited that he finally got one! Jimmy and him went to get Mijo from the people who made him, on Friday. The first day, Mijo was really timid... but now he practically runs the place! Clover has been mostly ignoring him, but they've been seen walking around together a little bit. Hopefully they'll be friends soon!
The rest of the weekend was pretty peaceful and good. Everyone mostly just hung out at home. Its been really hot out and we're all kinda sluggish!
Tomorrow is Abbys fifth birthday! I told her we could go to the zoo on the day before her birthday, since that is her favorite place. But yesterday Jimmy said he had wanted to take them to the city to see his parents. And anyway I saw on the weather website that it was supposed to be rainy today, so I was like, "OK, we could go to the zoo another day, maybe Wednesday." So when we woke up in the morning, it was raining, and I was like, "Good thing its raining, cause we couldn't have gone to the zoo anyway!" But then Jimmy said he didn't want to go to the city after all. So I really didn't have anything good to do with the kids. Anyway we just went to the mall, and I left Brandon play with Abby in the play cener, so me and Hayden could sneak into Spencer's and buy Abby's birthday present. Then we went to the book store and Wal-Mart. The baby fell asleep in the car, which was okay because I usually just sneak her into her bed and pop the pacifier in her mouth if she starts to wake up. unfortunately as soon as we walked in the dogs started barking like crazy and woke Hayden wide awake! Then Mijo just kept on steady barking any time anyone walked down the hall or anything. So the baby had trouble falling back asleep but I think she finally did... I'm scared to peek in there, but its all quiet in there so hopefully she managed to fall asleep!
The dumbest thing is, right after we went to the mall, it turned out to be all sunny and hot out. So we could have gone to the zoo, after all!
Ugh.
But tomorrow is Abby's birthday, and she's having a party at Chuck E Cheese, so that will be fun, right? And the next day maybe we could go to the zoo.

2008-07-17

I'm So Productive!

Hi everyone! Enjoying the alarmingly hot weather? Good for you! As for me, I'm enjoying the air conditioning in my mom's house. I'm not feeling really well today. Kind of dizzy and light-headed for some reason. I don't know why! I thought I was dizzy from being hungry, till I realized I'm not hungry because I had eggs and bacon this morning! (Sometimes I don't notice I'm hungry until I'm literally shaking from it. I sort of disassociate from hunger sometimes, I guess from being homeless and having to ignore hunger cause there was no food coming! Anyway so I'm not hungry, but... It might be because I forgot to take my medicine yesterday, but I don't feel like I usually do when I forget my meds. Felt kind of weird yesterday too, when I was out at the playground with the kids... like I was going to faint! I hate that feeling because my hands and feet suddenly get cold and my brain says, "SHIIIIIIT you better sit down or something!"
So I'm probably gonna lay down in a minute and see if that helps.
But I've had a pretty productive day already, despite feeling shitty! Picked up a few things at the store, dropped off my car this mroning for an oil change, paid my phone bill and my car insurance bill, researched some health insurance prices, returned phone calls to my school advisor and the Self Injury clinic place, and washed a load of laundry. And its only 11:30 am! Go, me!
Okay, let me rest now.

2008-07-15

I've Got Nothin!

I try hard to write in here every time I get a chance, but I don't always have much to write! You can check out some cool new pics of the kids over at Slow Down, Gym Shoe! Other than that, though... things seem to be at a standstill!
I've been having a busy day today trying to cram everything I need to do in life into one day. This morning I had an appointment with my advising counselor at my new school and scheduled a few of my classes, but I still have to make another appointment with another counselor to sign up for any education-related classes. The sucky thing about the fall semester is I ended up with classes on Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I hate evening classes! That will also make Wednesday a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG day for me since I'll be watching the kids during the day and then going right to school for a 2 1/2 hour class. But at least my new school is way closer, so I won't have to leave at 4:00 and make the kids stay by themselves, the way I used to when I had a Friday evening class in Chicago last semester!
Ugh, I don't even want to think about school. I just want it to be summer forever!
Yesterday seemed like a pretty good day. We had dinner as a family at the table, instead of on the living room floor in front of the TV which is what we usually do. (PRobably not anymore though since the little kids can't stop spilling in there!) We did best-thing-worst-thing and nobody seemed to have anything really bad to say about the day. But the evening was rougher because Diana was really tired, and the babies wouldn't sleep. Abby finally fell asleep on the couch, but Hayden was going crazy and running around and wouldn't lay down in her crib for anything, until finally she just sort of passed out cold on the couch. And Diana and Sarah were sort of fighting and then Diana went to bed aggravated. I guess I'd still vote that it was a good day though. Right?

2008-07-13

Carnivals and Fireworks, Yay!

Hi everyone! Its Sunday night and what a bummer that the weekend is over!
I've been sad for no reason lately and sort of spacey, but other than that, it was an awesome weekend!
On friday night I went with Diana and Jimmy to watch the band Infinity. They play good music, even though it hurts my ears from being so close! We also went to the bar afterwards. I know I embarass Diana and Jimmy when I'm with them because I don't act right socially. But I still had fun!
On Saturday we had wristbands for the carnival and we went up there and rode all the rides. I rode with Sarah and Brandon, because Diana and Jimmy are scared of rides! At this carnival my favorite ride was the Fireball, which looks like this:
Its kind of like riding on a huge, huge tire swing because its swaying from side to side and also spinning around. SO COOL! I was actually afraid to go on some of the rides but I went on them anyway and had fun!
Sarah and Brandon and me went to the carnival again today and had wristbands but it wasn't as fun because it was so crowded up there today, you could barely move!
Then tonight we went and saw the fireworks again. They were the best fireworks ever this time! I think they were even better than the Lombard fireworks we saw on the Fourth of July!
So it was a hella good weekend. I'm tired. I don't know why I been so sad and spacey the past few days, but the carnival helped. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad, I actually start craving carnival rides, because my brain somehow seems to know that it needs that adrenaline burst to even things out!

2008-07-10

What the F--- Am I Doing Here?

I'm frustrated right now because I came to my mom's house this morning, after being at Diana's since the Fourth of July. I came home to find a piece of paper on the counter on which someone had written the following:

15.00 per hour
x 8 hours = $120.00

3 days per week = $360.00 per week

4 weeks per month = $1440.00 cash

Phone=
Computer =
Gas=
Insurance=
Medicine=
Other=


It didn't take a rocket scientist for me to realize that these facts and figures were supposed to be about me. Even though I do not know where she got the $15.00 per hour figure from!
I wasn't even surprised to see this info there because for the last few months, every time I get near my mom she starts commenting, "So you must be rolling in money, huh!"

WHAAAAAAT?

I was a little freaked out, but I am proud of myself for not getting upset. I just called my mom and calmly asked her what it was for, and said that I was a little surprised and offended to find that piece of paper there, because I didn't think I should have to write out my expenses and income for her.
And I still don't know what her point was, because she was like, "No, you don't have to do anything with it," and then started telling me that my room smells bad.
Thats another weird thing about my mom, because my room really isn't all that messy any more. And she's been complainign that that room smells bad, every summer, even when it used to be my little brother's room! The reason it sometimes smells weird is because the two attics opens up into that room, and in the summer the top attic (which is more like a crawl space, except I call it an attic because I think of a crawlspace as being down below, but its just a really tiny space up above the closet) door is open with just a screen or something blocking it. And there's always weird odors coming from up there. One time last summer I coulda swore something crawled up there and died because it smelled so bad, and my dad climbed up to look, but found nothing, and in a few days the weird smell went away. So thats the explanation for the weird smell in my room. I mean, I come home twice a week and do laundry, and I barely sleep in the bed, so my mom's theory that the smell is from unwashed clothes doesn't hold water.
Anyway, supposedly my "smelly" room has something to do with that sheet of paper.
And the moral of the story seemed to be, "Are you saving up to get your own place, because we want to turn your room into a guest room."
Dude... ugh.
But I didn't get upset. I was calm the whole time. I'm just a little twitched out now because its like, I just don't get it. Diana's theory is that my mom wonders why I spend so much time over at her house and am not hanging out with my parents so much anymore. But the thing is, I was never "BFF" with my parents! Maybe my dad, sometimes on some type of trauma-bond level, but not my mom. For a while, when I was going through extreme anxiety a few years ago after I quit school at SIUC, I was having panic attacks about being away from my mom, but that irritated her more than anything else and just made our relationship worse because she was like, "WTF?"
I think I'm just a huge disappointment to them and everyone else. I'm 29 and they just see me as a big loser. I know somewhere in my mind I do a lot to take care of Brandon and Abby and Hayden, and those kids are so important to me, and I think taking care of them is a pretty big job in life. But to them, its just nothing! You know? And I just wonder why I even bother to come back here as much as I do... but its mainly to see Trixie and Sammy-Joe. I miss them so bad. :(
***
In other news, yesterday was a mixed-good-and-mixed-bad day.
Bad: I took Abby and Hayden to Lord's Park to see the baby farm animals that are supposed to be there. But when we got there, we couldn't find any baby farm animals! There were a few farm animals, but no babies. And even though its referred to as the "Petting Zoo" by Elgin dwellers, you're not supposed to pet the animals. They bite.
Good: We stopped at McDonalds on the way home. My new theory about McDonalds is, as long as you buy something there, you can play in the play place! Always good for an hour or so of air-conditioning and fun! The other day we brought our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and snacks there, and just bought sodas and cookies. Yesterday, we just bought sodas. Hayden actually went up in the tubes! I climbed up there with her so she wouldn't fall and break her neck. She loved climbing around in the little secret rooms and yelling so she could hear the echo! She's such a climber!
Good: Jimmy came over and made us ribs for supper, and they were hella good! Also macaroni and cheese, corn, and biscuits. Jimmy likes to include as many different foods as possible in each meal, even if they have nothing to do with each other. For instance, one other time he made BLT sandwiches and Spaghetti-O's!
Bad: Diana was sad because Jimmy was there. She didn't want to come home because she thought it was sad for her to be around Jimmy when they were broken up, but she was also sad to be gone when the rest of us were at home.
Good: Diana did eventually come home and all of us went to the fireworks together, and the fireworks were hella cool! And there's going to be more fireworks on Sunday night!
Bad: After Jimmy left again, Diana was sad and then she was mad at me.
Weird: After Jimmy left, I fell asleep extremely quickly, because I was so tired. Then Jimmy came back. Do you ever snap out of a dead sleep because something startles you? Thats how it was. The door opened and I was instantly awake, with my heart pounding so heard I could hear it in my ears! Jimmy just calmly walked in, said "Hi" and went back by Diana. I was still so shaken up from waking up from the door, and so confused about Jimmy being there, that I nearly became schizophrenic. But luckily, I recovered. I think.

2008-07-08

Titleless

Hi everyone! Here I am blogging again! I tend to blog at night because thats the only time I really get a minute without a baby tugging on my leg, a preschooler screaming in my ear, or a middle-schooler begging me to let him use the computer!!!
So anyway today was a pretty good day for me. I took the kids to a nature place with a butterfly house, and then we had sodas in McDonalds and ate our picnic lunch in there so we could save money! The kids were pretty well-behaved today and nothing went wrong.
So Diana went out tonight and before she went out we were talking and she thought I looked sad and was like, "Let me see your arms!" and I showed her I hadn't been cutting. Then later she mentioned that if I was cutting again I can't be around here. Which totally freaks me out... not because I'm even going to cut again, but because its too much to lose! In a single moment of panic I could lose everything! That may sound like its a huge incentive to never cut again, but it really is a scary idea. I can totally understand now how drug addicts, like Tony for instance, when you tell them something like, "If you do drugs you're gonna lose your home and your car and your wife and your kids and everything you love," then they say, "Fuck it," because its like, when you know you're a screw up, and you know you're probably gonna screw up again, its hard to have that hanging over your head! For me its a huge fear, like, inevitably I'm going to lose everything. Diana says its because the kids can see when I have cuts and thats not a good thing for them to see, and I totally understand that. But I'm scared I'll mess up! Sometimes my heart feels like its bleeding blood and guts, and I can't do nothing about it and I can't put it into words, and sometimes when I try to tell people they might just get pissed off at me.
But anyway I'm gonna try to go to that SAFE place one of these days but I don't even know if I can afford to go there.
Anyway... so Diana went over to her friend's house and she was excited about getting out for a while because she's still so sad about Jimmy and how that whole thing went horribly awry.
Meanwhile today I texted Jimmy to say "good day or bad day" because I almost always do. If I'm at my mom's house I text Diana and Jimmy, but if I'm here I usually would just ask them, or text whoever isn't around. I started doing that once a while ago when a really bad day was happening, with drunkenness and brawling and hollering and everything. I said to Jimmy, "This is a really bad day and I wish this day never happened" and he was like, "Yeah me to," but then that night turned out to be great and the next day was great, so I started trying to think of every day as just one day that was just good or bad, instead of as a signal for how all of life would be!
So anyway when I texted Jimmy today he said "Not good" and I said "Why" and he said "Miss everyone." I feel bad for him because we're all together and he's all alone... like the way I feel a lot of the time when everyone goes out without me, or when I'm at my mom's and everyone else is home together here.
Plus I still miss Jimmy being here. To me he was sort of like my big brother Nick was, in the good ways. Because there was good days and bad days with him, and on the good days you knew everything was taken care of, and you were going to have food to eat and you were maybe going to get to do something fun and things were going to be cool. but the difference between him and Nick were, with Jimmy, even on the worse days, you knew you weren't going to end up getting your ass kicked or having your money stolen or getting your stuff all messed up or watching him get arrested or wiping his blood off the ceiling or anything else bizarre like that. You'd just be like, "Ugh Jimmy is cranky" and thats it.
But I hope Diana does find someone who loves her and doesn't call her bad names like Jimmy does when he's mad. And its cool that we're still gonna see Jimmy if he comes over sometimes to hang out with us when Diana ain't here. I really wish we could still go camping and go on the boat and stuff like Jimmy said before. Brandon constantly talks about camping and he likes nature so much. He could spend all day just sitting by a pond or a creek, and even if its just some stinky retention pond he thinks its so cool.
Ugh I have to end this rambling blog entry at some point or another so I can go to bed!!!!!

2008-07-07

Eyes Wide Open!

ts the middle of the night again and I'm blogging again because I can't sleep AGAIN! Even though I didn't get much sleep last night, even though I didn't sleep at all during the day or anything like that, even though I didn't have any caffeine or anything, and even though I felt dead tired all day, I CAN'T SLEEP! I'm going through anxiety problems again.
Anyway today was an OK day. You can check my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, to find out whats up with the kids and me and our daily adventures. Today was a rough day though. Abby spent most of the day screaming like a banshee whenever I asked her to do horrible tasks such as get out of the bathtub so her brother could take a shower, clean up her own toys, do her chore, etc. And Brandon was in a foul mood too. The baby seemed okay, but tonight when Diana put her to bed she was screaming bloody murder too! Maybe its a full moon!
Jimmy came over for a while today. He made us dinner and took the little kids to the park for a while and gave the baby a bath and everything. So I had a relaxing evening with not much to do!
I should be able to fall asleep but I'm just spinning! And I think Diana is mad at me for something because when she came home right after Jimmy left she wouldn't hardly talk to me or nothing. I'm spiraling and spiraling and spiraling. I just want to go to sleep! I can't do nothing. :(

2008-07-06

Invisible Day

So the weekend is over, and except for the Fourth of July, it kinda sucked because Diana and Jimmy split up, and then we didn't really even go outside at all for the rest of the weekend. Today I took Brandon and Hayden with me to Wal-Mart to get a birthday present for my dad, and then we went to Half Price Books and I got some books and movies for the kids... but that was really it. Other than that, just a lot of laying around and doing nothing. It was kind of a sad day. The only problem is now its eleven pm and I'm wide awake, and everyone else in the house is asleep! I even tried texting Jimmy but he never answers. I'm blogging to fight the loneliness.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow hopefully I'm gonna take Abby to get her free pizza prize for one of the reading programs we signed up for, and then maybe we'll go to the pool if its sunny, or to the free bowling program if its rainy. (Kids bowl free all summer!) I got some other fun places we can go for the rest of the week, and then this weekend is the carnival here in town, and we'll probably go to that. Filling the weekdays with activities helps the days go by faster and keeps my mind off stuff.
So I'm gonna go read some blogs now, until I start feeling tired!

2008-07-05

Fourth of July Is Over...




well the Fourth of July, my favorite day out of the year, is over! Yesterday was such an awesome day! jimmy and Brandon went to Milwaukee and brought back fireworks which we shot off in the back yard. (At least, Brandon and Jimmy did. Not me! I would be too scared!) We drove to the city and had lunch with Jimmy's parents, then we came back out here and had dinner with Diana's mom and sisters. We shot off more fireworks in the back yard and we went and saw the big firework show at the park. Then we went home and shot off even more fireworks! Having our own fireworks was cool, but we were pissing off neighbors left and right. Left and right, I tell ya! Including a deaf guy! Jimmy says its our patriotic duty and right to shoot off fireworks on the Fourth of July, anyway...
After the kids went to bed last night, Diana and Jimmy went up to the bar for like half an hour, since it was about to close anyway. I was so dead tired and I fell asleep almost instantly.
When I woke up I seen Diana and Jimmy walking back and forth in the living room angrily. I think Jimmy was trying to leave, and Diana was trying to stop him. Jimmy ended up leaving anyway. I saw Diana go to bed, and then Jimmy came back in through the back door!
I said "What are you doing" and Jimmy said "I dunno" and threw a blanket on top of my head, then he said "Everythings going to be okay" and he went to sleep on the other couch.
So today Jimmy left me and Diana sleep until pretty late, and then he went to bed and slept for like six hours, and when he woke up he was sort of cranky. He shot off more fireworks in the backyard with Brandon and the neighbor kids. Somehow Jimmy and Diana were talking about going to the carnival, and thats when everything went horribly awry. Diana was hinting she didn't want to go. Then she thought maybe just me and her would go, so she went and asked Jimmy where the carnival was.
Then Jimmy came in and was like, "Well I'm gonna go up to the bar."
So Diana got mad and said she was thinking of going to the carnival and now we couldn't. She said, "but I just didn't want to go with you! I wanted you to stay home and watch the kids so me and Nicki could go see the band!"
Then Jimmy got really mad and they ended up in a huge shouting match, in which Diana hit Jimmy with a plastic dolphin and Jimmy confinscated the van.
And now Diana says they are broke up forever.
They're always breaking up, left and right! They always get back together within a few days. But maybe not this time.
I'm hella sad about that. I'm sad for Diana ause I know she loves Jimmy. I'm sad for Jimmy because i know he loves Diana, at least I think he does, even though he doesn't really say it much anymore. I feel sad for Brandon and Abby, even though they seem pretty good at not getting too attached to people. They're better at it than I am! I feel sad for Pufferfish because her dad isn't going to be arond anymore and she'll have to go back and forth. And I feel sad for me because Jimmy was my friend. He was the first one of the guys Diana went out with (most of whom, unfortunately, were sort of related to me in some way) who was really nice to me and always treated me like I belonged and didn't want me to get lost. Jimmy was always nice to me and never yelled at me and I'm gonna miss him being around.
But it'll be okay right?
Anyway, you can check out my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe! to see lots of cool pictures of our Fourth of July!

2008-07-03

Happy (Almost) 4th of July!)

Fourth of July is always one of my favorite holidays in life! I love the fireworks and the carnival especially! And I like it cause it seems to stretch on for the entire weekend. Its better than Christmas, even!
Anyway the past couple of days have still been pretty good! Yesterday me and the kids went to the Dollar theater (every Wednesday in the summer they play kids' movies for free, stuff thats already on video anyway but its kinda cool to see it in the theater again!) and then to the spray park, and then after Diana got home we went to Petland to play with puppies! It was fun! It was an exhausting day!
Brandon has his heart set on getting a dog that looks like this:

and we played with one at the pet store (its a chihuaha, by the way!) and it was so cute and happy and little. We also played with some other dogs, but the chihuaha was everyone's favorite!
Then we went home and Diana dropped me off cause she wanted to go to the gas station for some beer, so I gave the little kids a bath. (Mr. Bubble bubble bath, by the way, does not produce many bubbles at all! You have to pour in about half the bottle to get any real bubbles!) They were in their bath for a long time until finally they were finished and got in their jammies and everything, and Diana still wasn't home, and Brandon and Abby were starting to get worried. Then Brandon goes, "I bet she didn't even go to the gas station. I think she really went to the bar!"
But I texted Jimmy to say "Is Diana with you" and then he called me back to say "NO" and then we were like, "Uh..."
Then after SpongeBob ended I put the little kids to bed, except Abby didn't want to go to sleep because she wanted to cuddle with her mom on the couch, but luckily she fell asleep anyway!
Diana came home shortly thereafter. Actually, I should say, she came in! It turned out she had been home from the gas station for ages, and had been sitting in the van in the driveway talking to her mom on the phone and drinking up the beer she had just bought! She was like, "Dudes, why are you all freaking out? I was right outside?" Oh well...
Also Diana and Jimmy were fighting again and Diana said Jimmy wasn't coming back that night. Diana thinks I won't want to hang out with her if Jimmy isn't around, which is totally dumb for the following reasons:
- I hung out with Diana for about nine years before I ever even met Jimmy!
- I hung out with Diana even when it meant also hanging out with Tony and watching her get her ass beat and risking possible dismemberment or death just by being at the house!
- I love Jimmy, he's cool and all, but Diana will always be my BEST friend no matter who is/isn't around the house.

But I would still miss Jimmy if he went away. And I would definitely miss Pufferfish if she went with him! I hate the idea of splitting it up, so its: Jimmy and HIS ONE KID versus all the rest of us. I mean, Anthony sees the big kids one day a week, and thats cool and all. They love to see him, and it gives me and Diana a chance to have some peace and quiet. But if Anthony started taking them to his house several days a week, it would feel so weird to me. On the other hand, it would make me sad if Pufferfish only got to see Jimmy one day a week. For the big kids, one day a week is about all they can safely be allowed with their dad, and even that one day is iffy. But its different for Jimmy and Puff. But if she lived with him HALF the time, and with us the other HALF the time, or some other fractional combination, and we were never all together anymore, it would seem so weird. It would be like she wouldn't really belong in one household, she'd just constantly be visiting one place or another. And she'd be separate from Brandon and Abby a lot, and they might get more attention for themselves that way, but it would still be weird and sad.
Seems inevitable though... I dunno... I could go into anxiety problems just thinking about it. I didn't even mean to write about that.
My main point what I was trying to say is that I love Diana the best and I'll always hang out with her unless she kicks me out! And then I would be sad.

2008-07-01

Lets see now...

Still nothing TOO eventful to write about! Life has been good lately! You can check out my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, if you want to see what the kids and I have been up to. Mostly just same 'ol, though! For the weekend we really just sat around and relaxed and slept a lot and thats all. It was pretty good. Sleeping is good!
I think it is good to think, was this whole day a good day or a bad day, and vote in my head. I think that helps me a lot for my anxiety problems, because instead of dwelling on any little things that sucked, I can just think, overall this was a good day! Mostly by the end of the day, it seems like its been a good day.
Here is some bad news... I got a thing for JURY DUTY! And its in the city! At Daley Center or some weird place like that. I don't know where that is. I don't want to go! It says just as a stand-by. I don't think they'd hire me for any jury. I'd suck at being on a jury. Don't you think?
What am I gonna do today? Clean out my car, straighten my room some more, take care of some other junk, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh bleh bleh bleh!