2008-06-05

Crazy

So I'm just having a crappy week. And a crappy morning especially. And I scratched the shit out of my arms last night, which I didn't really realize until the middle of the night when all these scrapes on my skin were burning like crazy! And I'm at my mom's house, and now my mom wants me to bring Trixie to her office today. I'm wearing my hoodie right now, and she already asked if I'm hot in it, and I said no I'm cold down here, which is true because for some reason I'm always freezing at my mom's house! But its supposed to be 90 degrees today, and I'm not going to be able to get away with wearing my sweatshirt all day. And I'm just feeling really bad today, and I was planning on just being alone, but now I'm going to have to concentrate on acting like I'm so happy happy happy, and I just can't do it today!
Why do I scratch my arms like that, anyway? Let me count the ways...
First of all, I don't usually realize it when I'm doing it. Its just sort of a nervous habit like rocking. When I start feeling upset or nervous or anything, I tend to dig my nails into my arms or start rubbing my skin really hard. I've done it for a loooooooooooong time. Its kind of cause when I get too nervous, my skin goes numb.
Second of all, when I do do that, the friction feeling gets me out of the bad moment. I can calm down that way to stop myself from crying or having an anxiety attack.
Its different from "cutting" because I don't cut. I actually have tried cutting myself with a knife, but its useless. I can't feel it at all. I'd have to chop my arms completely off! The friction of scraping or rubbing is what helps me.
Third of all, afterwards, the scrapes always burn like hell. Its annoying, but sometimes it just makes me feel better to have a physical feeling to concentrate on. It doesn't hurt so bad that I'm like OOOOOH I'M IN AGONY like the time I cracked my head open. Its more like when you have a bruise and you poke at it to see if it hurts.
Fourth of all, the scrapes start out looking really gross, which always makes me feel bad that I did it. But after they start to scab up, it makes me feel better to look at them. Its interesting and calming to watch your body heal itself. Like, "See, I'm a human being! Look what I can do!"
Fifth of all, in my life I always have this feeling that I should not ever be sad or especially be angry or be any negative feeling at all. When I do be sad, angry, frustrated, etc, people tend to get pissed off at me. Like my mom, for instance, who firmly believes that everyone is in complete control of everything they experience and all of their emotions, and when I'm going through my worst depression or anxiety she'll say, "Its fine if you want to feel sad, but don't expect anyone to care."
So I mostly try really hard to keep things to myself. Often I feel like I'm just going to explode, but if I do, I know for a fact that there is nobody on this earth who would let me stick around. People would be like, "So if you're not happy, then leave!" So when I feel like I'm going to explode, I just dig into my skin to stop it and keep it in.
Sixth of all, I don't do it for attention, because in the winter it is much easier to hide it and people don't say nothing, but in the summer it is really hard to wear long sleeves. You could wear long sleeves and be miserable and try to lie about why you're wearing long sleeves, or you could wear short sleeves and at least be cool enough and try to lie about all the scars. In the case of my parents, though, its really hard because not only do they know I scrape my arms, but they act like its completely crazy, like I'm ready for the looney bin literally, and its impossible to explain why I do it, because obviously to them nobody ever has any reason to be sad, so the only explanation is I'm insane or looking for attention.

Basically I try really hard to be happy and to help out so that everyone else will be happy, but again and again and again and again in my life I fail at it and end up making everyone miserable. I know in my head that it is okay for people to get mad at each other. But I also know in my guts that in my specific life, people get sick of me so fast and soon enough they are kicking me out. I've been kicked out and sent away from everywhere and every place I go I have to hear from people what a big disappointment I am to everyone. My mom thinks I'm a loser because I'm not like her, my dad thinks I'm a huge loser because i'm 29 years old and still live with my parents and have brain problems which he believes is just me being annoying, my brother thinks I'm a loser because I live with my parents and am not just like him, my grandparents think I'm a loser because I still live with my parents and haven't finished school and haven't gotten MARRIED (bleh, they're in for a disappointment if they think I'm getting married any time soon!), and let me just go on COUNTING all the people who tell me why I suck.
So basically I am so sad inside that I can't even handle normal regular everyday conflicts, and one person being mad at me for even a second can send me spiraling down, and I know thats stupid so then I start hating myself for that, and soon I am exploding inside and its oozing out my skin.
Plus I Know there are people who will say I'm writing this publically just to get attention and sympathy, but I'm not. I'm writing it because writing is how I process things, and I've found that I don't do good writing my feelings on pen and ink because I end up just exploding on paper and making an inky scrappy mess. So I'm writing it in my blog. And maybe some random stranger somewhere will relate, maybe there's other people in the world who get so sad inside that they literally rip their skin off of their body.
THE END

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