2008-06-26

I DOn't Have Much To Write About...


...cause today is sort of a boring day. Plus I'm easily distracted so I keep writing one sentence on this blog and then wandering off to do something else. I already wrote in my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, about what the kids and I were up to yesterday. And other than that, I just don't have much to report these days!
Yesterday was a good day though, so it seems like there's been a bunch of good days in a row. Diana thinks the reason I was having bad days is because I don't really have any life outside of the kids. I don't really see my parents that much or see Melissa or do anything else. But seriously, I really wasn't ever that close to my parents. I did go to Disney World with my mom and was really close with her for those few days, but as soon as the wheels of the plane hit the ground in Chicago, my mom went right back to interrogating me. They have more of a custodial relationship with me, wanting to take care of me because they think I can't take care of myself, at least not to their standards. Being around them too much makes me nervous. And as for Melissa and Maggie... I just don't know how to see them. The fact that I wasn't able to help them, that I went through all of that shit this past winter with them and basically put them at risk in order to try to save them, and nobody ended up doing anything, is overwhelming to me. I should make more of an effort to see them at least a few times a month though, but its just hard now. You know? And as for everything else... I dunno.

THINGS I HAVE TO DO TODAY BUT PROBABLY WON'T END UP DOING
1.) Making an appointment to take the math and english proficiency tests at Roosevelt
2.) Emailing the assessment dude to see if I can get waived from the math exam because I already took math at two other schools
3.) Calling SAFE for a self=injury assessment
4.) Walking the dog (which isn't really pleasant for her or me when its hot out!)
5.) Working on organizing my room and throwing stuff away

Oh well, bleh, I can't force my brain to focus today!

2008-06-24

Another Good Day! Wow!

Hi everyone! Yesterday was another good day for me. You can go check out my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe! to see what the kids and I have been up to... but here's a sneak preview!


LOL! Only Abby, right? She was sitting on the edge of the fountain and I was trying to take a picture of her with my phone, when suddenly she just tipped over and fell right in!

Anyway, after all the crazy kids got settled in last night, I went with Diana and Jimmy to the bar. Generally I only like to go with them there on random nights like weeknights when it usually isn't so loud and crowded, because I have trouble being in noisy, crowded places. I hate when music is so loud that its hurting my ears, but everyone else is having no problem with it, and they try to converse with me but first of all I can't hear them at all over the music, and second of all I can't concentrate on what they're saying because of the music! I know, I'm a freak. Anyway I went with last night and it was actually pretty crowded for a Monday but I had lots of fun anyway. We played darts. I realized its really pointless to play darts with Jimmy because he always wins, effortlessly! He can close out all of the numbers, in numerical order! Its weird. I on the other hand have no aim at all so I basically just whip the darts at the board and hope for the best!
We also played the bowling video game which I am much better at! I can get strikes and spares at that game almost every time!
Also some weird old dude was dancing with me. He just walked up and said, "I need to dance with you!" and I was like "Noooooooo" but he just grabbed me and started spinning me around! He danced with Diana too. I think he just wants to dance with everyone!
See? I can be normal and have fun, right?
And you should be proud of me cause just about all of the scrapes of my arms have healed up (except they still itch horrible) and I haven't made any new ones at all. See?

2008-06-22

Good Days!

I have a strange habit of never wanting the next day to come. I get very nervous at night, especially if I had a good day that day, because I don't want the good day to end and a possibly bad day to start!
Lately all of the days have been pretty good. Friday was a really good day. Brandon and Abby and Hayden and I, having been asked once again not to go to the playgroup, went to the DuPage Children's Museum instead and had a really good time. It rained anyway so the playgroup people must have been out of luck! Then on Saturday Diana's uncle and aunt and their four kids came over. They hadn't been able to come to Hayden's birthday parties last weekend, so they got to have their own private party this weekend!
Finally, today the big kids were at their dad's, Jimmy went golfing, and me and Diana and Hayden basically laid around the house and had a relaxing day. We went to K-Mart too and I used my gift card to get some art stuff for the girls. Only I thought $25 would stretch really far, and I had a big armload of things, and it ended up being $50 and I had to put half of it back! :( I had to put back a Sponge Bob wipe off boar, some wipe off markers, colored bath fizzies, and Model Magic clay. But I managed to keep some construction paper, a puzzle, and two Color Wonders sets!
Later I went with Jimmy to get Chinese food from New China Buffet. Its cheaper than ordering Chinese food because you just pay by the pound, and you go in and fill up your take out boxes with whatever you want! And dude I am so full, and I still have fried rice left over for tomorrow!
Tomorrow is going to be a weird day because I am going with Diana's mom to the courthouse for a CASA orientation. I've always wanted to become a CASA volunteer, and then Lisa asked me to do it with her, so I think I'm going to try it! Sarah is supposedly going to stay here and watch the girls for a few hours while I'm gone. I'm glad I got the Color Wonders stuff so I can leave that for Abby to do while I'm gone, and then hopefuly I'll be able to do something fun with them later on.
OK so I'll let you know how it goes!

2008-06-19

Up On the Roof!


Dude! Last night me and Sarah climbed up on the roof of the garage. (Actually Sarah did it first, and then Brandon went up, and then Brandon went down because all of his friends, who weren't allowed on the roof, got mad. Then Sarah wanted someone to go back up with her, so up I went!)It was really cool. The way you do it is, you climb up on some randomly placed bricks and boards that just happen to be by the garbage, then you climb up onto the playhouse roof. Then you use a strategically placed chair, balanced between the playhouse roof and the garage roof, to bounce yourself up onto the garage roof!
I thoroughly enjoyed being up on the roof. The only bad thing is, once you're up there, there is not a whole lot to do, except holla at people who are on the ground, and say, "We're up here on the roof!" And really, nobody cares. They just look at you like, "Yeah?" Because, having not experienced the roof-climbing experience for themselves yet, they just don't understand.
Unfortunately, after me and Sarah got down, Jimmy took away the chair that we had been using to get up there. I'm pretty sure we could always find something though!
In other news, yesterday Sarah, Brandon, Abby, Hayden and I met the playgroup at the Arboretum. At first there was only one other person from the playgroup there, but it happened to be the little boy, Logan, who Abby loves to play with. Logan is 4 and has two brothers who are 2 years old and 8 months old. Plus he has two aunties, who are 13 and 12 and happen to go to school with Sarah, who were also with them. So between us we had 9 kids... enough for our own personal playgroup! Then later another lady showed up whose kids are 12, 4, and 1.
We had a really good time. The kids played in the secret river and caught tadpoles. It was really, really, really, really crowded there though because it was Discount Day! After the other playgroup people went home, we stayed a while longer.
The only bad thing is, today when I checked my email, I had an email from the lady who had showed up late that day, who is also one of the assistant organizers of the playgroup, saying something like, "I noticed Abby had a runny nose and was sneezing and coughing! I don't think you should come to any more events this week until she is feeling better."
The problem is, Abby always has a runny nose! Literally, she's always in some stage of having some sort of cold. She's not even really sick. It could even be allergies I bet. I emailed the lady back saying that Abby, Hayden and I all have allergies and are often seen with runny noses. Maybe she'll still tell me not to come... who knows? Not a big deal, really... we could just either find another playgroup eventually... except that Abby really gets along well with some of the kids in that playgroup. And that one organizer lady who complained, we've only actually seen her at two or three dates, even though we go to just about all of them!
Oh well... what can ya do?
What other news is there? Not much. You can always check my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe! to see what the kids and I have been up to!

2008-06-17

Updating...


Haven't had much time to blog lately, but I just wrote a really cool pictoral update at my other blog, Slow Down Gym Shoe, if you want to go check it out!
I've been doing much better than I was doing the last few times that I wrote! Haven't scratched myself at all lately, except for rubbing at my scabs because they itch like crazy! They healed pretty fast and now they're just white and ashy. If you want to see what it looks like when I scrape my skin, look at this:
Not trying to be gross, but some people who don't know me might be curious, or you might think its way worse than it is.
So right now I'm at my mom's house and trying to get a bunch of stuff done, but so far I really haven't accomplished much at all! Right now I'm just checking in to say "Hi" really quick, and then I'm going to get back to work!

2008-06-10

NO TITLE FOR YOU!

Sorry I just don't have a title and I'm too sleepy to think of a good one! ;)
I'm at my mom;s house right now but this is the last time I'll be here for about a week. I was going to trade Abby and Hayden's babysitter Thursday for Wednesday this week because she had to go somewhere, but then it turned out she can't watch them Thursday either, so I am going to be watching them tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, and Monday. I am trying to think of enough things to do for all of those days in a row especially since it is supposed to be rainy most of the days! Bleh, what good is summer when its raining? You can't even go to the pool! Brandon likes to go to the pool even when its about to rain, but to me its such a hassle to spend ten thousand years getting everyone ready and packed up, only to go swim in the rain for an hour until they sound the lightning alarm and send you out! It seems to me like every year in June it rains just about every day. WHY IS THAT? NO FAIR!
So anyway.
I am at my mom's and I'm nervous because of the fact that my mom never saw my scratched up arms last Thursday because I wore my hoodie and hid them. But today is another chance for her to see! She'll either just be like, "WTF?" and not care, or she'll go total ape-shit and start threatening about mental hospitals and crap like that. Depends on her mood. Sometimes I tell them its just eczema that I scratched open, which could be true because I do get eczema a lot, and I do tend to scratch it open because it irritates me so bad!
If she only manages to not notice them for this day and tomorrow morning, then I'll have a whole week to let them heal and I'll be off the hook! And then I won't do it no more. I hope.

2008-06-08

anyway

Everything always turns out okay, see? I wish I could tell myself that when I'm having anxiety problems, instead of freaking out and spiraling around like crazy! Everything turned out ok last night. Diana and Jimmy came home and had Burger King and everyone was happy and peaceful. Today we all worked on fixing up the house for the big party this weekend... and now Abby and Hayden have a brand new bedroom!
A social worker i once had, back when I lived in the housing project, said i should have a safety plan and back then my safety plan was supposed to be drawing. Because back then I had craypas and i was always drawing. but the thing is it doesn't really work! Nothing does! when i get stuck like that, i can't get bad thoughts and anxious feelings out of my system! And I don't really have anyone I can call because first of all I don't like to bother people by calling them and freaking out on them! So I'm usually just stuck in my spiral for a long long long painful time and its like hell!
But everything always turns out okay. Today was a pretty good day. Right?

2008-06-07

Please god

make it stop just let me go to sleep just let me get tired and go to sleep and not be sad or angry ok
nothing is working for me tonight
and jimmy and diana were going to go shopping for a carpet and then they came back for a secon but they left again and i though tthey were coming back again but now i think maybe they went to jimmys for the night cause they were talking about it and
i hte being lone cuse i can't breathe
even the stupid computer isn't working cause the shift key broke and the other keys keep locking up or something
I HATE BEING ALONE
I HATE BEING ME
I HATE BEING ALONE
IM TIRED OF BEING ALONE EVERYWHERE I GO
im tired of having no where to go
i'm tired of everyone hating me if i don't do everything exactly what they want
i wish i was dead
but i'd miss the kids
but i'm so tired of being alone
and if anyone knew i didn't want to be alone
i wouldn't be worth it to them anymore
and then i'd be REALLY alone

WHY do i aeven write in thisblog anyway? its just going to get me in trouble
and everyone is wrong... writing out your thoughts DOES NOT make anxiety attacks stop1

i hate night time
I HATE BEING ALONE

You know whats weird?

i can't tell you. bummer.

2008-06-06

Still Spiraling Down

So yesterday turned out to be okay because I did end up going to my mom's work with Trixie but I didn't have to stay ong. I ate lunch there and then my mom wanted me to take the dog home because my mom thought Tixie was being too wild. So I was able to go home and I really just slept all day long, the way you can make yourself sleep when you are feeling bad, then slept all night too.
Today was okay too. It was supposed to rain all day, but it turned out to be really nice out, so I took Abby and Hayden to the pool for most of the afternoon. Brandon and is friends came up on their own also. Abby made some friends and layed with them, and I mostly tried to get Hayden to go into the water. She didn't like it a whole lot but she did sort of like wading around in the zero-depth part, and she liked the fountains... but didn't like when they blew spray on her! Anyway it was good to be out in the sunshine all afternoon, so that part of the day was good.
Then Jimmy came home and made BLT sandwiches for everyone, which was definitely a good part of the day.
Bad part? Diana didn't come home until 9:30 because she went to Jimmy's house to take a nap cause she had a headache. But when she did come home she was like, "Oh are you staying over?" Which was weird because I always stay here! Then when I said yes, she was like, "Okay I'm going out, bye," and went out, and then a few minutes later called Jimmy on the phone to see if he'd go with her.
I know it is me she is trying to stay away from now. :(

2008-06-05

Crazy

So I'm just having a crappy week. And a crappy morning especially. And I scratched the shit out of my arms last night, which I didn't really realize until the middle of the night when all these scrapes on my skin were burning like crazy! And I'm at my mom's house, and now my mom wants me to bring Trixie to her office today. I'm wearing my hoodie right now, and she already asked if I'm hot in it, and I said no I'm cold down here, which is true because for some reason I'm always freezing at my mom's house! But its supposed to be 90 degrees today, and I'm not going to be able to get away with wearing my sweatshirt all day. And I'm just feeling really bad today, and I was planning on just being alone, but now I'm going to have to concentrate on acting like I'm so happy happy happy, and I just can't do it today!
Why do I scratch my arms like that, anyway? Let me count the ways...
First of all, I don't usually realize it when I'm doing it. Its just sort of a nervous habit like rocking. When I start feeling upset or nervous or anything, I tend to dig my nails into my arms or start rubbing my skin really hard. I've done it for a loooooooooooong time. Its kind of cause when I get too nervous, my skin goes numb.
Second of all, when I do do that, the friction feeling gets me out of the bad moment. I can calm down that way to stop myself from crying or having an anxiety attack.
Its different from "cutting" because I don't cut. I actually have tried cutting myself with a knife, but its useless. I can't feel it at all. I'd have to chop my arms completely off! The friction of scraping or rubbing is what helps me.
Third of all, afterwards, the scrapes always burn like hell. Its annoying, but sometimes it just makes me feel better to have a physical feeling to concentrate on. It doesn't hurt so bad that I'm like OOOOOH I'M IN AGONY like the time I cracked my head open. Its more like when you have a bruise and you poke at it to see if it hurts.
Fourth of all, the scrapes start out looking really gross, which always makes me feel bad that I did it. But after they start to scab up, it makes me feel better to look at them. Its interesting and calming to watch your body heal itself. Like, "See, I'm a human being! Look what I can do!"
Fifth of all, in my life I always have this feeling that I should not ever be sad or especially be angry or be any negative feeling at all. When I do be sad, angry, frustrated, etc, people tend to get pissed off at me. Like my mom, for instance, who firmly believes that everyone is in complete control of everything they experience and all of their emotions, and when I'm going through my worst depression or anxiety she'll say, "Its fine if you want to feel sad, but don't expect anyone to care."
So I mostly try really hard to keep things to myself. Often I feel like I'm just going to explode, but if I do, I know for a fact that there is nobody on this earth who would let me stick around. People would be like, "So if you're not happy, then leave!" So when I feel like I'm going to explode, I just dig into my skin to stop it and keep it in.
Sixth of all, I don't do it for attention, because in the winter it is much easier to hide it and people don't say nothing, but in the summer it is really hard to wear long sleeves. You could wear long sleeves and be miserable and try to lie about why you're wearing long sleeves, or you could wear short sleeves and at least be cool enough and try to lie about all the scars. In the case of my parents, though, its really hard because not only do they know I scrape my arms, but they act like its completely crazy, like I'm ready for the looney bin literally, and its impossible to explain why I do it, because obviously to them nobody ever has any reason to be sad, so the only explanation is I'm insane or looking for attention.

Basically I try really hard to be happy and to help out so that everyone else will be happy, but again and again and again and again in my life I fail at it and end up making everyone miserable. I know in my head that it is okay for people to get mad at each other. But I also know in my guts that in my specific life, people get sick of me so fast and soon enough they are kicking me out. I've been kicked out and sent away from everywhere and every place I go I have to hear from people what a big disappointment I am to everyone. My mom thinks I'm a loser because I'm not like her, my dad thinks I'm a huge loser because i'm 29 years old and still live with my parents and have brain problems which he believes is just me being annoying, my brother thinks I'm a loser because I live with my parents and am not just like him, my grandparents think I'm a loser because I still live with my parents and haven't finished school and haven't gotten MARRIED (bleh, they're in for a disappointment if they think I'm getting married any time soon!), and let me just go on COUNTING all the people who tell me why I suck.
So basically I am so sad inside that I can't even handle normal regular everyday conflicts, and one person being mad at me for even a second can send me spiraling down, and I know thats stupid so then I start hating myself for that, and soon I am exploding inside and its oozing out my skin.
Plus I Know there are people who will say I'm writing this publically just to get attention and sympathy, but I'm not. I'm writing it because writing is how I process things, and I've found that I don't do good writing my feelings on pen and ink because I end up just exploding on paper and making an inky scrappy mess. So I'm writing it in my blog. And maybe some random stranger somewhere will relate, maybe there's other people in the world who get so sad inside that they literally rip their skin off of their body.
THE END

2008-06-02

Rough Morning

Having a bad morning cause I just don't feel good and have forgotten to take my meds for the past few days. Sometimes mornings just suck for me. Because do you ever wake up and just have a weird feeling like everyone is mad at you because nobody will really look at you or talk to you and then you start feeling paranoid? And you spend the rest of the morning trying to go over and over in your head what you might have done to piss off everyone?
I'm at my mom's house now and took my medicine plus a vitamin and iron pill, which I've also been neglecting to take lately. Its freaky to me that one pill can mean the difference between life and death. If I take it regularly I feel okay, but as soon as I go a day or two without it all this dark sadness and fear and anxiety come bubbling to the top. The pill is just there to trick me into thinking I'm okay, when really I'm a dead corpse inside. :(
SAD..