2008-05-05

Anxiety



Today was basically a really good day! Abby and Hayden and me had our playgroup, which was at a park and forest preserve today. Every Monday there is a park playgroup, and then there are some other events as well... for instance, Wednesday we're all going to the Children's Museum! Abby really loves playing with the other kids, and I especially love the outdoor events that involve nature. I find that the longer Abby spends outside in nature, the calmer she is once we get home! She loves walking in the woods and looking for bugs and animals and stuff!
Anyway we did that all morning, then this afternoon we picked up Brandon from school and went to Pepe's for fried ice cream for dessert... and then went home, and when Diana got home we went out for dinner at Burrito Brothers! It was all in honor of Cinco De Mayo, especially because Brandon is half Mexican. We had a really great day!
Back at home we all cleaned up the house and I gave the baby a tubby and put her to bed sort of early because she was really cranky. Now everyone is asleep except for me!
I've been having all sorts of anxiety lately and it seems to get worse at night. I've been coughing a lot but I can go all day without coughing, and then at night I cough like crazy and have trouble breathing and get so nervous! Tonight I even had a real anxiety attack and couldn't breathe! I hate it because my face and hands get all tingly and I get light-headed so I feel like I want to laugh or throw up or both and all my energy goes away.
I don't know why it is but I guess partly because things are changing again... Jimmy isn't staying here any more and I guess he's going to come and get Hayden on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which are the days I don't see her anyway, which also means I won't see Jimmy at all anymore. Its weird because when Diana got pregnant with Hayden, and we figured Jimmy would be around, I thought I would barely see him at all an if anything I would be happy not to get to know him, because I didn't really want any changes or anymore people to get attached to. I figured it would be hella cool having a baby around, and Jimmy would just sort of be a sidenote. And when he ended up living with Diana I was sort of uncomfortable because it was like, weird to see him in this house, and weird to see him mingling with Diana and the kids so closely, and I just wasn't used to it. But then I got used to Jimmy being here and being around and the way things were. And now that he's not going to be around its just like, "Here we go again." Its so weird how people can be part of your everyday life and then just suddenly be gone.
But as for my anxiety its probably other things too, like worrying about figuring things out for school in the fall, getting other responsibilities taken care of, pressure from people everywhere to do everything they think I should be doing, my stupid brain being damaged and my birthday coming up (which I really hate because every year I get a year older and my brain stays the same, and gets more and more embarassing to tell people how old I am because they look at me like, "WTF?")
So thats it... I still feel like I'm not getting enough air and I just keep on coughing and coughing and coughing...
Ugh!
But it was such a fun day, other than this!

1 comments:

brandonsmom_02 said...

Sweetheart, he loves you very much. The Tuesday and Thursday had nothing whatsoever to do with you and more to do with his bar schedule. He WILL be around on days that you are there and he will be just as much a part of your life as Brandon and Abby's lives.

He is not gone, and he is part of the family. You have to try and remember some of the bad that he brought to the family as a unit too, and just for the next couple of weeks it is better if I can get refocused.

I'm sorry that you are stressed and worried. One day at a time babe! School will work out and home will work out and you will find a way to juggle it all!

I love you. The kids ADORE you! Jimmy loves you so much and tells me how much he is thankful to know you. You are so loved and needed.

-Diana

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