2008-03-22

Who Am I And Where Do I Go?

Tomorrow is Easter, as you may have noticed! In my life, holidays always bring up complications and issues because I'm never quite sure where I belong.
On one hand, I have my psuedo-adoptive family, with Diana and the kids and Jimmy and whoever else happens to be lingering around.
On the other hand, I have my birth family, with my aunts and uncles and grandparents and little cousins and what-not.
Here's where the complication arises...
When I was younger I really had a horrid relationship with my parents, and I didn't live with them or see them very much or anything like that. I ended up living with Diana and Brandon (who was just a baby then) when I met them. Diana's family sort of included me into their own family, I guess because I was just always around! So, that was about ten years ago, I guess. I used to spend all of my holidays either with Diana's family or Tony's family, just to avoid going with my birth family.
Now my relationship with my birth family is better, but still a little strained! I now have three little cousins I'm pretty close to. But there's a huge difference between my relationship with my little cousins, and my relationship with Diana's kids!
With Brandon, Abby and Hayden, they're really a huge part of my life. In Diana's house I'm more of a behind-the-scenes person... like at their birthday parties I would usually be helping set things up, driving the kids and their friends to the party site, etc. Or, like, on Christmas, I am usually there on Christmas Eve to help the kids set out a snack and write a letter to Santa Claus, then helping to get all the presents wrapped and hidden under the tree, and there on Christmas morning when they wake up. And Easter, I'd be one of the people dying eggs with the kids, helping hide the eggs, watching them hunt for their baskets, and all that. Its like I'm actually part of the family there.
Whereas, with my little cousins, I have more of a "traditional" auntie roll, at least traditional for my family. (I say "auntie" role cause my cousins are so much younger than me, and usually you think of cousins as being nearly the same age! My cousins are all at least twenty-two years younger than me!) My cousins love me, especially Kaylie and Luke, but for them I'm more of an occasional visitor who comes to play with them for a few hours or who sees them at holiday gatherings.
My birth family has really thick boundaries among them. Every individual household is a separate family, with its own separate business, and there isn't a lot of mingling. When I was very little I spent a lot of time at my Nona's house, and my aunt and uncle lived there too, so I was sort of a comfortable part of that household... but as I got older it became clear how thick the boundaries were. When I was having problems at home, I never felt comfortable to talk to my other family members... even my grandparents and young aunt and uncle who I adored... about what was going on. The few times I tried, I was literally ignored or pushed away! My brother and I would have never dared to misbehave in any way when we were with any of our family members. We had to be on our best behavior at all times. Its like the individual households were just acquaintances, or former classmates meeting up every so often to catch up, or something. There has never been a comfort level there. As I got older, the more I started realizing this, the more anxious I got from being around my family members! To this day, I hate family gatherings... because I really have no place in the family! I'm just a visitor, everywhere I go,
What I'm trying to say is, I really don't want to go to the Easter party with my birth family tomorrow. But if I stayed with Diana's family, my birth family would be kind of pissed off. So what I think I will do is just stay home by myself and do nothing. It might be nice to have a day with the computer all to myself, huh?

I know this is the type of rambling blog entry nobody ever really reads all the way through... but if you did, then, thanks! Good Work!
Happy Easter!










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