Why So Sad?

Besides ADHD, I also have serious depression, which I have lived with basically my whole life. I'm on medication for it. The meds work well... I have no side-effects from them at all, and they definitely keep my depression and anxiety in control... but often depression still sneaks up on me.
And lately, this sad feeling has been haunting me.
The kids keep me busy and happy during the day and I really don't have time to feel sad around them. Spending a day with Abby and Hayden, it is impossible to feel sad or lonely!
But whenever I stop for a moment... when I'm in my car on my way to school or home, or whatever... the sadness sidles in.Its really just a vague, uneasy feeling, with occasional needle-sharp pains in my heart, and I just think, "I wish I could disappear." I don't think I'd like to be dead, but I'd definitely settle for invisible.


Life Is Good, But I'm Freezing To Death In My Own House!

I couldn't think of a title so I just decided to make a really long and obscure one. But it's true... I really am freezing to death in here! The heat is constantly broken at my house. Constantly, I tell ya! I miss being at Diana's house because it's always nice and warm.
Speaking of Diana's house, I've started watching Abby and Hayden lately, in lieu of a regular job. Its a cool solution for me because I've had a habit of quitting actual jobs because of reasons such as, I get aggravated with having to do dumb things just because "corporate" says so, I get bored at jobs that sound like they'll be really cool but turn out to be just doing the same exact thing over and over at all times, such as walking around a children's museum and "resetting" exhibits. Dude, that job, which I did have for a while, seemed really cool because I loved the children's museum! But after several months of resetting the same exhibits 500,000 times per day, you just start to lose your mind, man! I have ADHD and my mind is constantly looking for some sort of stimulation. This is why I think, when I actually get my teaching degree, it will finally be the perfect job for me because I'll actually be able to use my imagination and be challenged.
But until then, watching Abby and Hayden is pretty cool! I try to do a lot of stuff to keep them busy and having fun... well, mostly Abby, because Hayden is only 8 months old so she can't do a whole lot, other than chew on stuff and play in her bouncy chair and what-not. Hayden is mostly just happy to hang around Abby and Brandon. She thinks they're highly amusing!
Plus the best part is, I love the idea of being in Abby and Hayden's everyday lives! When Brandon was their age I lived with him so I was always around, but for Abby and Hayden I've mostly just been a visitor to the household. So it will be cool for me to be able to be around all the time!
The only bad part is, I feel so weird actually getting paid to watch them! It goes against my instincts or something. Actually Anthony paid me ten dollars once for watching the kids at night, which I think just made him feel good because he'd been paid that day. But other than that I always got taught never to take money for watching any kids in my family such as my little cousins, so it feels equally strange getting paid to watch Abby and Hayden! But I guess its just cause I'm watching them instead of working, so I have to have some sort of income in order to pay for junk! Right?
I had sort of a crappy day today because I had school, which was okay, but then I had to spend like two hours trying to get my medication refilled. Way back on Friday I went to the Walgreens to get my prescription refilled, and it turned out the bottle said "No Refills", which I hadn't noticed because I'd just gotten the new prescription an month ago and usually I get three refills with it before I have to call in. So the pharmacist was going to fax in a refill request to my doctor, and said it wouldn't be ready until Monday, so they ended up giving me four "emergency" pills.
Of course Monday we were still foraging our way home from Michigan, and then Tuesday I was going to go to Walgreens on my way to school(I had sent the prescription to the Walgreens by my school, because at the time it had been convenient) and on Wednesday I didn't have school. So today I went to the Walgreens on my way to school, thinking for sure the prescription would be there... but guess what? The doctor had never sent them the refill order, although they had called several times!
The pharmacist called again, and told me to call and check in a few hours.
So after school I called Walgreens and, guess what? Still no prescription!
I called the doctor's office, seething. You barely ever hear me get angry but when I've been off my medication for three days, its much easier for me to snap! I was like, "I have a big problem! My pharmacist sent in a refill request last week, and they've been calling your office several times, and nobody has sent the prescription. I'm getting sick from not having my medication, and I need it sent, right now."
I guess I was too irritable because the lady said, "Well, its not going to be right now this very moment. It will be there by the end of the day."
Obviously I didn't want to sit around in Chicago all day. But luckily I found out I could transfer it to the Walgreens near my house. So I have to go pick it up in about half an hour.
What an ordeal! I hate this medicine, because although it keeps my mood stable while I'm on it, the withdrawal side effects when I go off it make me feel way worst than I ever did before I started taking it in the first place! And I go through withdrawal on a regular basis because trying to chase down this stupid prescription is like a wild goose chase! At least with my Adderall I don't have any side effects!


Our Mini-Vacation in Michigan!

Hi everyone! I just spent the weekend in Michigan with Diana, Jimmy, Brandon, Abby, Hayden, and Clover the dog! We went up there to visit Diana's older brother John and his nine-year-old daughter. We had a great time... but I'll let this video speak for itself!

The ride there, as you can see, seemed sort of long! We figured Abby and Brandon would sleep most of the way, but they really stayed up for the whole ride and drove each other crazy! Plus I had a horrid stomachache the whole way so maybe thats why it seemed so long.
But once we got there, it was a lot of fun! We had one of those things where two hotel rooms are joined up with a door in the middle, so it wasn't fifty people crammed into one small room (which is the way me and Diana usually seem to roll when we go anywhere with the kids... we get a room for two adults and two kids, to pay the cheapest price possible, and then bring like four adults and five kids!) The room Diana and Jimmy slept in had a whirlpool in it, so the kids spent a lot of time in there when we weren't all down at the regular pool. The kids were meeting their cousin Brianna for the first time, but there was only a few minutes of shyness among them before they were all running around like they'd known each other forever! John actually had to work a lot of the time while we were there, which was a bummer, but Brianna stayed with us the whole time, so that was cool.
I hope we go back again and see them! Brianna is a really cool little kid. She's a tough little punk who loves wrestling and has a sarcastic sense of humor, but she's also a little girly who loves Hannah Montana and is great with the littler kids! And you should hear that shorty play the drums! (Well, I guess you did hear her, if you saw the video!)
The only sad part was on Sunday when we had to say goodbye to everyone. Diana and her brother hadn't seen each other for ten years, so they had been so excited to be spending time together, and it was hard for them to part ways again. But hopefully they will get to see each other more often and stay in touch from now on!
We had originally planned to go home on Sunday, but ended up staying another night and leaving on Monday afternoon. The ride home on Monday seemed way shorter to me for some reason, maybe because I already knew where we were going. It always seems shorter when you know whats going on! Plus the kids all slept for a large chunk of that ride. Especially Abby... she must have been sleep-deprived since she barely slept a wink at the hotel! (And as I was sharing a bed with her, I barely slept a wink either!)
There was a huge snowstorm going on in Illinois by the time we got back, which was at around 8 in the evening, so I ended up staying the night at Diana's and came home this morning. Now, I think I will take a shower and a quick nap!


Sleepy Sunday

Hi everyone! It is Sunday at 6:34 pm and I managed to go all day without ever getting out of my pajamas! It was a big accomplishment for me. I also cleaned my room.
Yesterday I had to go to my little cousin's birthday party. Yeah, it seems like I'm always going to my little cousin's birthday party, and some people ay ask, "How many birthdays does your little cousin have?" The answer: I have three little cousins! The one whose party I went to yesterday was Nicholas, who turned two.
Highlights of the party:
* A lot of my uncle and his wife's friends and their small children were there, as well as family members. My uncle's wife had put together goody bags for all of the children and for my other little cousins, all under the age of six. And she gave me a goody bag too! I don't know whether to be happy or insulted or what!
* My grandpa announced to me that my uncle's best friend since childhood (who was at the party) isn't married, has a good job, has his own house, and "would be a good catch!" I was like, "Oh. Hmm, well, that's nice, isn't it!" Awk-waaaaaaard!
* My aunt was there, and she gave me a thank-you present for helping out at my other cousin's birthday party last week. She gave me a Webkinz! A Webkinz is a little stuffed animal, but the cool thing about it is when you buy one you get a secret code, which you enter into the Webkinz website, and then you get your own virtual pet that looks just like your Webkinz in real life! My aunt and my little cousin Kaylie are totally addicted to Webkinz. So my aunt gave me one, and last night I went to the site and registered! Its a little bit like Neopets, but for slightly younger kids. Its fun though! I love virtual pets! I can also "friend" my little cousin, and be able to send her messages and virtual gifts and stuff. Isn't that cute?
Anyway. Sometime next week I am probably going to be starting to watch my little nieces during the day a few days a week, which should be fun! I've found out some cool things I can do with them, such as the Kidz Club at the mall twice a week where they have singing and dancing and character visits and stuff for little kids, the story time at the library with the Enchanted Forest, and free hour at Jump And Pump Party. A good time will be had by all!


Happy Valentine's Day!

Just wanted to tell everyone Happy Valentine's Day!

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Productive Day

Well, I was a busy bee today! I found some free car seats on Craigslist so I went and picked them up this morning from this dude in my town who is getting rid of all of his possessions and moving to India. Then I had to wash the seat covers because they smelled like Indian food, which isn't a small I particularly like. Actually they still smelled a little after I washed them, so I cleaned them again with Woolite, and wiped down the plastic seat parts with Lysol. Then I actually installed them! The booster seat was a cinch, but I practically had to build the infant seat from scratch! Anyway now when I watch Abby and Hayden we could go places!
Then I studied for a test I have tomorrow, while finishing the rest of my homework. After that, I took Trixie outside for a while to play in the snow... and produced some very interesting pictures! (Trixie is a hard person to photograph because she hates looking at the camera, so I had to be very sneaky while getting my pictures.) Want to see?

Here is Trixie doing her favorite outdoor thing,,, digging in the snow!

Here is Trixie AFTER digging in the snow!

Trixie chewing on wood

Trixie trying to eat my snowman

She is such a weird little puppy!


The Skinny

I seem to be losing a lot of weight lately. It may be partially because of a side effect from my medication, Adderall. Its probably also because I've been sick so many times in the past month. I had bronchitis, and then the stomach flu, and then a sinus infection. When I'm sick I have trouble bringing myself to eat... Eating is just a huge pain in the ass.
I've barely been eating at all lately though, even when I'm not sick. When I wake up I usually take my fifty million medications with juice or Dr. Pepper. Then a few hours later I might have something for lunch... a sandwich if I'm ambitious, or just a bagel or a banana. Half the time I never get around to eating dinner, unless my mom is home and she actually makes something and then says, "Come and eat!" forty times so I feel obligated to eat something.
My mom gets mad because she says I'm "helpless" because I barely eat unless she makes something. And my dad accuses me of becoming anorexic in order to deal with my mom's controllingness. But its not that I don't want to make something, or that I want to eat but refuse to... its just that eating doesn't really appeal to me. Not just for the sake of eating. If its something I absolutely love, like order-out pizza, or broccoli spaghetti, or even fast food, I'll enjoy it... but when its stir-fried vegetables and rice, or a dry slab of meat and a hard potato, I just don't really get hungry. And sometimes, when I actually am hungry, the only thing I can convince myself to eat is a bowl of plain oatmeal with no sugar.
I guess its good that I'm losing weight, though, right?


Yay! I'm Not Dead!

I'm actually feeling so much better today!
Yesterday I went and helped at my little cousin's birthday party. She had a party at a pottery-painting place. My job was to supervise the birthday girl's 3-year-old brother! I wore my old clothes because I was figuring that being around a toddler in a place filled with paints would mean I'd be a mess, but Luke was actually very good. He sat at the table next to me and diligently worked at painting a large multi-colored dog. (I can't wait to see how it turns out when its glazed!)
That was actually the first day in a week that I'd done anything other than sleep, so I was exhausted afterwards, but today I feel great!
Plus I have a free day off tomorrow because of Lincoln's Birthday. I have no idea why my school takes Lincoln's Birthday off instead of President's Day. We're like, "Screw all the other presidents! We only like Lincoln!" I mean, we don't even get Washington's birthday off! If we're going to have Lincoln's specific birthday off, shouldn't we celebrate Washington's birthday too? He was the first president, after all. I guess in Illinois we're just obsessed with Honest Abe! (Fun fact: Honest Abe's portrait has hung in my house for as long as I can remember, and hung in my Dad's house when he was a kid! When I was little I thought he was a family member!)


Day 5

Day five of being sick, dudes! I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow because I'm supposed to go help out at my little cousin's birthday party. It was actually supposed to be a few weeks ago, but my aunt canceled it because my little cousin was sick! Everyone's been sick!
Did you know that when you have a fever, it gets higher as soon as the sun goes down? This is a fact that was told to me by the nurse, when I went to the doctor the other day. I wonder why that is?
Nevermind, I don't even care, I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired!



Bad: Having a horrible sinus infection.
Badder: Having to spend half an hour literally unburying your car so you can go to the doctor,
Still Badder: Having to drive on completely unplowed roads to get to the doctor's office, and feeling about four seconds away from crashing your car, the whole way there!
Baddest: Swallowing some over-the-counter Severe Sinus Relief medicine... and you still don't feel better!
But I still wouldn't trade places with: Diana, who is stuck watching Hannah Montana in the theater right now! ::gag::


Still Sick...

Do you ever feel so sick that just sitting up in your chair to use the computer is physically painful? bleh. My actual symptoms (stuffy nose, headache, etc) aren't that bad even, but this fever is whats driving me crazy!


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Sick AGAIN? Jeez!

Dude, I swear I've been spending too much time on the Internet lately, because I got another virus! (Either that or Abby gave it to me!) I have a sore throat, huge headache, fever, etc.
Being sick is inconvenient at my house. I woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing, burning head and achy throat. I decided to go downstairs to get some Tylenol and Emergen-C.
However its physically impossible to go downstairs without waking up everyone on the block, because my house is so creaky! And you know how when you're trying to be quiet, everything you do makes noise? Like you reach for a light and end up knocking over a glass thats on the counter?
Or maybe thats just me.
I turned on this overhead light that is over the kitchen sink, because it is dimmer than the regular kitchen light. It turns on with a chain. Took my Tylenol, drank my Emergen-C. Pulled on the chain to turn the light of. But the chain came off in my hand!
Now the light will be on forever and ever.
Thats why being sick in my house is inconvenient!


Strange Days and Stranger Nights!

How is everyone doing? Me... tired as usual. Yesterday I went with Diana and Jimmy and the kids to this indoor flea market in Chicago, where Jimmy's parents run a hat booth. It was a really cool place to walk around and look at everything. Just about everyone there is Mexican, so there's a lot of Mexican music being played loudly over the speakers, Mexican snacks being sold, and toys that were shipped here from Mexico. I liked looking at all the stuff, like the beautiful little girls' sized dresses, the kind with the big puffy skirts and sleeves that look like princess dresses! We had churros, and Brandon ended up getting a new video game system that is like a joystick that plugs directly into the TV and plays all sorts of old-school video games! And Brandon and Abby both got bobble head Chihuahuas, even though they wanted real Chihuahua instead! (A lot of people there actually did have real chihuahuas, which they were carrying around in their hands!
After the flea market we went to Hagens Fish Market, which is an old and famous fish market in Chicago. We bought a whole ton of seafood. I literally ate almost a whole pound of fried shrimp on my own. Plus sampled some of Diana's crab cakes and hushpuppies! I was so full!But it was delicious!

Then we went home, and the two older kids ended up getting picked up by their dad, Anthony, for the night. And Diana's sister was coming over to babysit Hayden. Jimmy and Diana were planning to go out to the bar and to see a concert of a band that pretends to be Bon Jovi. I didn't really want to go because I was tired and I get nervous around crowds of people, but I decided I'd just go for a little bit. And I actually ended up staying for the whole time!
We went to the little neighborhood bar first, which I like a lot better because not a lot of people go there, and the people that do go there are usually the same people all the time. Diana and Jimmy know most of them. I didn't want to drink anything because I was worried it will mess me up because of my medicine, but I was having fun because I was learning how to play pool. My younger brother once tried to teach me to play pool, but that mostly involved him explaining to me that since he is so smart, he can mathematically calculate exactly how to shoot the white ball thingy using triangular formulas and stuff, then getting mad and yelling at me because I couldn't understand how to do that, and finally making me sit down and watch him play against someone else he just met four seconds ago.
After that we went to a different bar down the street, where the band emulating Bon Jovi was playing. That was fun too except that the music was really really really really really really really really really really really REALLY REALLY loud and hurt my ears! Diana kept telling me it was just noise from the instruments, but it still made my ears hurt like crazy! Plus then when people talk to me, I can't hear them at all, so then they shout directly into my ear, which makes me want to reach into my ear, yank out my ear drum and toss it outside into the snow! Supposedly my ears are more sensitive than most people because I have ADHD (which for some reason has something to do with ears) and because I had about a thousand of ear infections when I was little (which also has something to do with ADHD!) My mom says I should bring earplugs along next time but I don't know if that will work!
So anyways aside from the noise it was fun and I had one drink which didn't make me sick or anything, and Jimmy and Diana tried to make me dance but that didn't go too well for them! They just kept getting drunker and drunker which was sort of funny to watch because by the end they were all like, "I love you, man!" like in that beer commercial!
Then we went back to the original bar we were at before, which was quieter. Then Jimmy's and Diana's friend, whose name was Bob, was still trying to show me how to play pool. He said I beat him, but he was actually playing with different rules than me. All I was supposed to do is try to get some sort of ball somewhere to go into some sort of pocket, but he was playing where he had to actually predict what ball would go into what pocket. So I had like a hundred of my balls left and he was down to the eight ball, and he said it would go into one pocket, but it went into a different pocket instead. So he said, "You win!" and walked away.
I went and found Diana and said, "That guy Bobby said I beat him at pool." Cause for some reason I thought his name was Bobby because I heard people call him that. Then Diana said, "You call him BOBBY now?" and she went and told everyone, "Nicki calls your friend BOBBY!" I was like, "Ugh..." and I went and watched TV.
But the TV show was scary cause they showed this little boy was trying on clothes with his dad, and his dad went to pick out some clothes for the little boy, and when he came back the boy was gone and he couldn't find him. Then it showed the little boy's dead body floating in a lake. It was very freaky to see, especially since I was watching it with the sound turned off!
So eventually they closed the bar and thats when we went home and I went to bed.
And in the morning I had to unfortunately get up early and go home so I could go see my little cousins with my mom.
It was a really fun night and it felt cool to be a part of a group. Jimmy is hella cool and he is very nice to Brandon and Abby, and Hayden too obviously! He kept saying I am a good person and that we are all family now so I should just relax and have fun. But I can't never believe that when people say it, not anymore, cause it seems like most of my life has been one long string of temporary de facto families who swore they'd be around forever and always. After a while they get sick of you. Or they punch you in the head and choke you and steal from you. Or they do worse.
That being said I definitely think Jimmy is cool. I have definitely, definitely noticed a change in Diana's house since he's been around. Maybe its just cause I haven't been around there 24/7 so I just see things in glimpses, but its just a different feeling there now, like lighter or something. Now everyone seems to be happy and joking. When Tony was around everyone laughed and joked too, but there was always this overall tension that shit could hit the fan at any minute! And shit often did hit the fan! You could be having a great and happy time, the best day in the world, but one person says one joke wrong, or one thing goes wrong, and BAM! People are being injured! People are crying! Knives are being used as threats! Money and valuables are being hidden! Holes are punched in walls! Children are being haphazardly thrown into cars to escape! Cops are being called! There was always that feeling, and I think the kids felt it too because now I definitely feel like they feel safer, even if they're still cranky a lot of the time. Jimmy and Diana do fight, but when they fight its not like, "Oh shit, everyone get ready, here we go!" Its just, like, words.
Also, Diana and Jimmy want me to start watching Abby and Hayden three days a week when I am not in school. That came about after I was attempting to get a different child care job involving a little boy with special needs. (Which, by the way, I have a feeling isn't going to work out, because the mom at that job had said she would contact me by Saturday evening, and its now Sunday afternoon!) I think it would be cool to watch Abby and Hayden, and I could keep them busy like doing projects and going to the library and stuff. Well Hayden can't do projects, as much, but still... The only problem is I have a Friday afternoon class, and at the other job I was applying for the mom was a stay-at-home mom so I was just there to be an extra hand, and I could leave early on Fridays to go to my class, but I don't know how that would work out if I am watching Abby and Hayden.
So, stay tuned for further developments on that story!
In the mean time, here is an entertaining video involving Hayden!