Alive and Kickin'!

The title of this entry reminds me that today I was playing with Hayden, when she asked me where Abby was. She has a habit of constantly asking where everyone is, like she's taking attendance! I told her I didn't know. Hayden said, "Abby dead!" (She's not some sort of really morbid baby... she just thinks saying "dead" is funny, lately, for some reason.
I told her, "Nope, Abby isn't dead, she's still alive and kicking!"
This confused Hayden to no end! She laughed and said, "Kicking? No! Not kicking! Abby not kicking!"
Anyway, so, yeah, here I am... and I actually had a pretty good weekend. On Friday evening I went to Diana's because Jimmy called me up and told me to come there, and Diana had gotten me a cake and some presents, and the kids had made cards! So that cheered me up!
On Saturday, we went to a party at Jimmy's sister and brother-in-law's house, and ended up staying the night there. Parties at their house are always fun. I'm not much of a "partier" in the usual way, but I do just like to be there and enjoy being in the environment and being around everyone!
On Sunday, Sarah wanted to go to the Lilac Parade, so I ended up taking her and her friend there, and then hanging out at Diana's mom's house for a while. Eventually Diana, Jimmy and the kids also came over, for Megan's birthday party. So that was fun! Plus I got to spend extra time with Clover and the puppies!
Then, today, I was planning to go back to my mom's house, because Jimmy didn't need me to babysit. but I ended up staying and watching them for a little while so Jimmy could go to the store and the laundromat and stuff, and then Sue came over and invited me and the little kids over to her house. So we went there for a while and hung out and had dinner there and everything. Then we came back, and Jimmy and Diana and Sue and Mike went to the gym, and took all of the little kids with them! So me and Brandon are home alone and enjoying the peace and quiet.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and forage my way back to my mom's so I can do my laundry and clean up and stuff before my mom gets back from England! Plus I miss Trixie and Sammy-Joe so much! On Friday I only thought I was coming back here for a few hours, but it ended up being four days! I was actually in the middle of cuddling with Sammy-Joe when Jimmy called me on Friday. He (Sammy) probably thinks I totally ditched him for something better!
As for my depression, being constantly busy and distracted has definitely helped. But its still there, lurking underneath... like, even when I'm happy, anything can just turn me sad with no warning! I've just been being really careful to keep taking my medication every day and stuff.
Well, Diana and Jimmy and the little kids are home, so I'll close out for now!

Five Seconds LAter...

Still going back and forth, back and forth. One minute I am feeling fine, the next minute I feel like dying. When is this gonna end? I'm losing my fucking mind. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? Is anyone reading this even??????

Happy Birthday To Me!

Todays my birthday, and I'm actually feeling a little better, at least for now! Last night I went out for dinner with my parents. We went to Pepe's, which is pretty much where we go every year on my birthday because I am crazy about their flan! They have the best flan ever, its SO CREAMY! I could take or leave the food, but the flan makes it all worth while!
Also I opened my presents from my parents last night, which were two pairs of shorts, two shirts, a penguin watch, and a pair of tie dye flip flops. I like the flip flops best because they are tie dyed!
I took 3 Tylenol PMs last night before bed because I wanted to fall asleep fast. It didn't work though... the timing was all off! It took me forever to fall asleep, but now it is morning and I am still dead tired and drowsy and dizzy and everything! SO as soon as I finish writing this I am probably going back to sleep. I also have to somehow go to the bank and deposit some money so my phone doesn't get shut off!
I am so tired... I wanted to sleep through this day, but I actually have things I could be doing today, and now I am too tired cause of the stupid pills! Next time I have to take them way earlier so they will make me fall asleep when I'm ready to go to bed and let me wake up in the morning!
OK, thats all for now!

Lets Just Call It Thursday Cause I Don't Have A Better Title

I had a brief intermission from life's recent crappiness because I went back to Diana's house for a while today. I mostly played in the backyard with Hayden the whole time. Abby and Brandon came home but wouldn't even look at me, so that was kinda strange... but it was nice to play with Hayden. She was happy just to sit on the swing in the yard and "talk" and sing songs in her little baby way. We discussed why you should not eat rocks or paper, why you should not put an open can of pop in the kangaroo pocket of someone's sweatshirt while they're not looking, and whether it was Gimme or Jimmy who got shot. We also discussed big trucks that go Beep Beep Vroom Vroom, Abby busses, choo choo trains, birds, butterflies, the fact that Abby was playing at Jenna's house, and why you shouldn't drink juice boxes that you find in the grass and that are probably a week old. We found an empty soda can in the grass, and I taught her how to smash it with the heel of her shoe so it would stick to the shoe, so she could stomp around making loud crunchy metal sounds! I held Mijo and gave him lots of cuddles... I've missed that little rat dog! A good time was had by all.
The good feeling lasted until I got in the car to go home, and then I right away felt like dying again. Last night when I was falling asleep I was feeling so lousy, and thoughts of dying kept creeping into my mind... it really is like a fight, where I say to myself, "I just want to be dead. No, no, you don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm just gonna kill myself. No, no, don't do that, everything is gonna be fine. I just wanna die. No, no, you don't." So that was going through my mind all night, until Sammy-Joe came and laid with me and I cuddled him and thought, "Well I can't give this up."
The bottom line is, I know I don't really want to be dead for all of eternity, just yet, but I am hurting! I feel like I am broken. The only thing I can compare it to is the time when I tried to go to school at Southern Illinois and ended up having a breakdown. Its just everything. Its the fact that I'm realizing I'm gonna be 30 years old and have nothing. No home to go to... only a series of places where I'm an expert at wearing out my welcome. No way to finish school. No way to become a foster parent the way I've been planning to my whole life. No insurance to even go to the hospital if I am feeling bad. I'm a free-floater with nothing. And now I've lost my best friend, I can't be in the place I considered my home, my mom is always mad at me when I'm here, and I'm just chemically depressed anyways, can't even focus on trying to cheer myself up. There seems to be no end in sight. So I do, at the moment, I do want to be dead.
My compromise plan is, I've got a bottle of Tylenol PM. I'm just going to sleep through the weekend. I'm going out to dinner with my parents to celebrate my birthday tonight (because tomorrow, on my actual birthday, my mom is leaving for England) and then I'm just going to keep myself in a vegetative state for the weekend. On Monday, I will either hopefully be able to watch the kids, or I'll at least go visit them again, or I'll figure out something else I can do to stay busy. But for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'll just have to push my "off" button. I slept through the Y2K night on New Year's Eve of 2000, so why not sleep through my birthday weekend? Works for me!

BINGO!

I went to my crazy people drop-in and it helped a lot. I felt a lot better while I was there. We played BINGO and I won twice! There were prizes on a table and you got to pick something when you win. I picked an oil painting by number set the first time. The second time, the pickings were much slimmer. I picked a DVD of this movie called The Wilderness Family, which used to be one of my favorites when I was a kid. I wish they had drop-in every day of the week!
Other than that, things are not going well. Diana is very, very mad at me, first of all. Its my own stupid fault because when I am upset I get insecure and tell people too many things. I am not good at keeping things to myself. Also I found out that one of the puppies... the runt of the litter that was never supposed to live in the first place but that we tried so hard to revive... ended up dying. She was my favorite, just because she was so little and because she would cry but she would stop crying when you picked her up. She had these little tiny tan spots on her head that you could barely see. She never wanted to drink much but she loved to cuddle with Clover's paws. When you are already going through depression, the death of a puppy is not helpful.
I am hurting so bad. I just want it to stop.
But I am trying to hatch a plan.

Little Better But...

Still having a hard time. I know this is probably a bad time to be writing about my issues, since I've been working hard at making this a blog about ADHD, but I really think depression is part of ADHD, and a lot of the ADHD blogs I've been reading have had recent entries about depression. And I am definitely going through a hard time right now. Had to dig in my drawers to find a Klonopin to make me fall asleep last night because really bad thoughts were going through my head, imagining killing myself. It wasn't like I was planning to do it or anything, it was like thoughts were just entering my mind on their own. I could be just laying there and suddenly realize I'm imagining walking into the kitchen and swallowing a bunch of pills or something. WTF? So I kept on trying to counteract my bad thoughts by thinking of all of the people who would be sad if I died... my cousins, and Abby and Hayden and Brandon, and Sarah, especially, because they are kids and I wouldn't want to put a trauma in their life like that. And my pets, Sammy-Joe and Trixie and Clover and Mijo. And my parents... The stupid thing is that although my mom acts like she hates me when I'm alive, I know she would be heartbroken if I was dead.
So I just kept reminding myself of all those people and animals... and then I took some Klonopins, and slept all night with really weird dreams.
I guess I'm just lonely. Haven't seen my mom since Saturday, since on the days that I do stay here she's usually not home until I am asleep... and my dad is usually just watching baseball or something... and I'm not supposed to go to Diana's... I could probably go to my aunt's, but I just felt so low in energy... The good thing is my crazy people drop-in group is tonight. And I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my Dad tomorrow night for my birthday. And Facebook distracts me in twenty minute increments. But I am just feeling so bad. Thats the only way to describe it. Bad. I am feeling lousy. Its physically painful.
(Where does depression hurt? Everywhere!)

Having A Rough Time Today

I am having a miserable day today! I can't really explain it, but basically I found out something that made the ground drop out from under me. Its like, you live in one version of reality, where people tell you that one thing is true, and then you suddenly find out, its not true at all, and hasn't been true for a long time... but then other people tell you, no, it really is true, everything is fine... and now you are left with no reality that you can, but only an impending feeling of doom. Will this, like other past "crisis", turn out to be okay, and everything will feel normal again, tomorrow? Or is everything seriously different now? It is hard for me to wait and find out. I feel sick.